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Soi 94
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Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Love magick is strong in Taurus
this week, leading those lucky
enough to be born under that sign far, far
away from you.
Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18
Your death will be painful, but it
will give a notorious femme fatale
a chance to say “I’m afraid I’ve always
had a rather…sharp tongue.”
Pisces Feb 19 – Mar 20
Your life will soon lose all direction,
which considering how it has been
going, should come as a vast relief.
Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20
Venus is in retrograde in your
sign this week, which you’d think
would mean problems in your love life
but actually indicate imminent botulism.
Interesting, isn’t it?
Taurus Apr 21 – May 21
Avoid making decisions based
on ambiguous advice from
questionable sources this week, even if
she was in labour with you for 38 hours.
Gemini May 22 – June 21
Change will come to your
neighbourhood when you annoy
an air traffic controller who knows your
home address the same day his ex boards
a 747 to Maui.
Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 22
You’ve never been the sort of
person who lets all kinds of
supposed “signs” tell you how you should
drive your car.
Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22
You’re starting to think that
maybe the funny nose and glasses
won’t actually be enough to hide you
when Jesus returns in all his glory.
Virgo Aug 23 – Sep 22
Sometimes it feels as if your life’s
long, empty hours are all beginning
to blur together, but take heart. There
really aren’t very many left.
Libra Sep