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Aussie Tourist Information
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website
and the answers are the actual responses by the website
officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour
(not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
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Daily, weekly or long term
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen
it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit
around watching them die.
Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available
all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/
gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A:Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can
Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU
come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless,
can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the
railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia
? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,
Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing
in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific
which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday
night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when
you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule?
(USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering German-y, which is ...Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys
Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight
after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia,
but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees.
(USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because
they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone
walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human
urine before you go out walking.
Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain
of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia
? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (
USA )
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first
illegal claims
I’m not worried about the plane loads of Bulgarian
and Romanian immigrants coming to England to claim
benefits.
It’s the plane from Australia with people on that claim
they can play cricket I’m more concerned about.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
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