AUTISM SOLUTIONS
roller skating birthday party—we create a so-
cial story for him the week before and read it
to him throughout the week (e.g., “When I go
to this birthday party, I will wait at the counter
to get my roller skates. If I am nervous about
putting them on, I can ask an adult for help.
There may be music at this event. If it is too
loud, I can cover my ears or take deep breaths
to relax.”). This helps him prepare for the sim-
ple social cues the rest of us take for granted.
The detailed preparations necessary for a sim-
ple event are often unfathomable to parents
of neurotypical children. It is important to ap-
preciate the preparations we must undergo to
participate in any single event to understand
our limits.
they, like me, may also have a hard time articulating
these more nuanced needs on the spot. Here are the
top six answers that I have wanted to give my village
when they ask that great question:
1.
Don’t be hurt by our absence
One of the best ways to help us—and one of
the hardest to explain—involves not doing
something. That is, please do not be hurt if we
have to turn down a social event or gathering.
Perhaps I can best prevent your hurt feelings
by explaining how our limits are real and our
absence is nothing personal.
When our son is doing well, he can handle
about one event every weekend. During a
difficult season in his life, it is even less. And,
some special exceptions aside, we usually have
to avoid social engagements during the school
week so our son can be relaxed enough to
learn in school the next day and benefit from
therapy during the week. Other ASD families
we know have similar limits on social events.
Like many ASD children, our son needs his qui-
et time—or “self-regulation time” as it is called
in the therapy world—to face the stressors and
caprice of ordinary life. Without it, he has a hard
time functioning. If we do something as simple
as squeeze in an extra play date on a Saturday
afternoon when he needs time to soothe him-
self with a solitary routine, we can see a major
regression in his behavior. Our absence from
many events is often necessary to make sure
our son has the best arrangement to help him
thrive.
Our limits on social events are also real because
of the time and energy we need to spend pre-
paring for them. Children with autism are of-
ten rigid about schedules and routines, and for
many of them, transitions are especially diffi-
cult—from playtime to breakfast, from break-
fast to the car, from the car to the school, etc. It is
often a full-time job coaching our son through
a regular morning routine. And if the day does
not follow a normal routine, it takes an even
greater effort. We usually need to create a vi-
sual schedule and prepare our son beforehand
if we break from the expected agenda. And if
the day includes an entirely new event—like a
Our parental energy levels may also set a lim-
it on our socializing. Not only are there these
many preparations before an event, but we
also need to be ready to coach our children
through the event and handle any meltdowns
that may confront us. Meltdowns are common
in children with autism and are more difficult
to handle than a typical temper tantrum. When
our son goes into meltdown mode, it can re-
quire an all-hands-on-