PERSONAL NARRATIVE tell myself I am imagining or exaggerating the whole thing and they should have never been diagnosed or that they have “ outgrown ” it . I tell myself that they seem almost typical .... almost . But what I ’ ve learned is that it doesn ’ t matter which end of the spectrum they are on . There is not a competition between individuals on the spectrum to see who needs less or more therapy or who can speak the most words or have the least amount of meltdowns . We all have our struggles and our journeys . We have all had to adjust our lives to accommodate therapies , behavior issues , and our finances , among many other things . I am allowed to worry .
I worry the most on days I get to witness neurotypical ( NT ) children talking and playing . When you have never had a NT child , you don ’ t know which milestones your child “ should ” be reaching based on their age because you ’ ve never seen it firsthand and after a certain point you lose track of the milestones charts the doctors give you and you start using your own imaginary , slow-motion chart . The older my kids get , the easier it is to see the developmental “ gap ” between them and their NT peers . I watched a video of a NT girl today , and just watching the way she talked and interacted with her parents was hard to watch . She went to a mall with her mom in the video and didn ’ t have a meltdown . Her mom never had to drag her out of a store . The daughter never screamed or punched or head-butted her mom . She didn ’ t wander off , sending the mother on a full-blown search crawling under garment racks and behind dressing room doors . I looked up the girl ’ s age , hoping she was at least 6 or 7 . She was 5 . She acted much older than my daughter , but they were the same age .
It ’ s hard to watch NT kids the same age as your child and realize how much distance is between them developmentally and behaviorally . It ’ s hard because you spend all of your time being so proud of your child for all the progress they ’ ve been making the past few months / years and then after watching a 5 minute video all you can think of is what you must be doing wrong . And then you feel guilty for comparing your child to another child , because you know you shouldn ’ t . But still you wonder , what would my NT child be like ? I know you cannot separate the autism from the person , and it is not the “ quirks ” I struggle with . I love my daughter ’ s personality and her quirks are what make her who she is . It is her inability to regulate her emotions , or to verbally express certain
things to us , or to manage her auditory sensitivity that I struggle with ( and by “ I ”, I mean “ she ”). Those are the parts of her autism that make our lives difficult . I ’ m tired of the meltdowns , the scratching and hitting , the crying and screaming . And not because it makes my life more challenging , but because I want to know how to help HER life be less challenging . I don ’ t want to trade kids with anyone or make my kid “ better .” I want to see the smile on her face that I see on NT kids ’ faces . Not that they are happy all the time and not that she is never happy , but you can see on their faces that they are not struggling internally with anything . You can see on my daughter ’ s face that she is fighting a big battle almost daily . And any good parent hates to see their kid struggle . Especially so young .
So even though I hate to admit it , yes , there are some days I wonder what my neurotypical daughter would be like . Not because I don ’ t love my daughter , but because I DO .
Kari Sherwood is a single mom of two , both on the Autism Spectrum . She has a B . S . in Human Development and Family Science , and an M . S . in Education . She works as an Instructional Designer and resides in Port Clinton , OH .
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Autism Parenting Magazine | Issue 44 | 55