PERSONAL NARRATIVE
When you first learn that your child has autism, you really don’t
know what to do or how to feel. You suddenly think all kinds of
things about what your child can’t do and may never be able to do.
handed the teacher her paper. “Step one, get some
bread” the teacher read. My classmate reached for
the package of bread and started to open it, but
was interrupted immediately by the teacher. “The instructions don’t tell you to open the package, they
just say to get the bread.” The girl looked puzzled, but
waited for the next step. “Step two, get the peanut
butter and the jelly and put it on the bread.” The girl
reached for the peanut butter and started to open
the jar only to be interrupted again. “It doesn’t say
open the jar. It says, ‘get the peanut butter and the
jelly and put it on the bread’. I guess you’ll just have
to stack the jars on top of the bread package.” We all
laughed and the girl did as instructed, still quite confused by the situation. The teacher then explained
to us that when you write step-by-step instructions,
you have to include every possible detail and assume that the reader has never made a sandwich
before. Each of us got the opportunity to “make our
sandwiches,” and each of us failed miserably. I clearly remember thinking I might have been descriptive
enough in my writing that my sandwich would actually become a sandwich, and I clearly remember
the moment when I realized that I forgot to mention
that you need a knife to spread the peanut butter on
the bread (somewhere there’s probably still a photograph floating around of me reaching my hand into
the jar of peanut butter). While our teacher was successful in teaching us a memorable lesson about descriptive writing, she probably had no idea that years
later my clear memory of her lesson would assist
me in better communicating with my autistic son.
It is very common for children with autism to thin k extremely literally. They often have issues understanding common phrases and figures of speech such as,
“hold your horses” or “it’s raining cats and dogs.” I can’t
tell you how many times I’ve asked my son why there
is trash all over the floor only to have him stare at
me as if he was thinking, “Because I left it there, duh!”
What my son didn’t realize was that I meant, “Would
you please pick your trash up off the floor?” and what
I did realize was that is exactly what I should have said
to him instead. Sometimes we get frustrated with
our children when they don’t read between the lines,
forgetting that sometimes they simply are not able
to. Sometimes we don’t realize that we are implying
what we want them to do instead of directly stating
what it is that we expect. What follows is anger and
frustration toward our confused child, followed by
anger and frustration from said confused child. In my
mind I hear, “Why didn’t he pick up his trash,” what I
say is, “Are you going to do what I asked?” In his mind
he hears, “She asked me why there was trash on the
floor? Was I supposed to do something? Why is she
so angry at me?” His response is anything from a quiet and confused cry to a full blown melt down. The
confusion goes round and round until I give up and
pick the trash up myself, then cry in my bathroom
after he goes to bed because I can’t understand why
I can’t communicate with my son.
When you first learn that your child has autism, you
really don’t know what to do or how to feel. You
suddenly think all kinds of things about what your
child can’t do and may never be able to do. You go
through just about every emotion before you realize that your child is still the same child you’ve loved
since you discovered there was a living being growing inside of you. Your child is no different today —
post diagnosis — than he was yesterday before your
world came crashing down on you. All that matters
next is that you learn how to help your child succeed
despite the challenges he or she may have. It took
me a long time before the light bulb came on in my
head and I was able to tie my fourth grade writing
lesson into my methods of parenting. Suddenly it
all became clear that I was expecting my son to put
peanut butter on bread, but I had forgotten to tell
him that he needed a knife and that he could not just
stick his hand into the peanut butter jar. When I ask
my son to do something and am met with a blank
stare, I think back over everything I said to him. Did I
give him literal step-by-step instructions? Did I clearly explain to him what it was that I was expecting him
to do? Sometimes it just takes a quick restatement
of my request and my son complies beautifully. You
don’t realize how much of what we say in casual conversation can’t be taken literally until you really start
Autism Parenting Magazine | Issue 44
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