Dr Anne Stephenson GP in Torquay , Victoria .

Doctors often struggle to talk to each other .

anxiety .

I would eat to self-soothe . Over the university holidays , I went back to our family home . As I walked through the front door , my mother grimaced ever so slightly .

At mealtimes , Mum started giving me significantly smaller servings than everyone else .

Then , she left some strategically placed Jenny Craig weight loss newspaper ads on my bedroom dresser .

Both of us stayed silent about my burgeoning weight .

I returned to uni with the voice of not being good enough swirling in my head .

Because we avoided addressing my weight and the potential reasons for it , I felt judged , raw and hurt .

Obviously , this is not what my mother intended ; I know she wanted the best for me , and despite the difficulties of such a conversation , I am sure I would have coped better if we had found a way to talk .

It is understandable why we avoid bringing up important issues . Sometimes , when we do talk , things can get worse . Feelings — such as anger , guilt and hurt — can escalate . Fast-forward 30 years , and I am grappling with how to speak to my

own adolescent daughter about emotionally charged issues , and I know it is not easy .

I have much more empathy for my own mum now and her struggle to discuss fraught issues with me at that time .

But by not discussing these issues , we can become more entrenched in our own thinking .

If we bring up a difficult issue , our aim is to convince others of our point of view .

As doctors , we may be proficient at having difficult conversations with our patients , but are we as effective at

As doctors , we are proficient at having difficult conversations with our patients but not so much with our colleagues .

having those conversations with our colleagues ?

A difficult conversation is anything you find hard to talk about .

Examples include asking for a higher salary , giving someone negative feedback , disagreeing with people and confronting disrespectful behaviour .

I would hazard a guess that many issues are grumbling away in our medical

workplaces .

The clues of dissatisfaction and grumpiness in general practice are obvious . Complaints about each other leak out as an offhand , mumbled comment in a meeting , a slight eye-roll or

PICTURE CREDIT

There is a way to have conversations about our differences .

a smirk . There is the resentment about some doctors working more hours .

Others feel they are not appreciated for the work they do behind the scenes in a non-clinical context .

Some doctors do not respect the way others do their work .

These issues simmer below the surface .

We all know the inner dialogue : should I raise this ? Or should I keep it to myself ? We know , if we avoid the problem , feelings will fester , and we will wonder why we did not stick up for ourselves or the issue at stake .

By confronting the problem , we may get rejected or attacked .

But there is a way to have productive conversations around our differences for a more harmonious workplace .

In Kevin Kelly ’ s book Excellent Advice for Living , his first bit of advice is to embrace listening as a superpower .

“ Learn how to learn from those you disagree with or even [ who ] offend you . See if you can find a truth in what they believe .”

Ultimately , these conversations are about how we listen to each other when there is a gulf in our experiences , beliefs and feelings .

Another useful guide is called Difficult Conversations : How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone , et al , which includes tips for embarking on tough topics , including being clear in your own mind what you hope to achieve ( see box ).

By understanding how to have a difficult conversation , we open up a critical aspect of human interaction with our children , our partners , our work colleagues , our team members and our patients .

These skills can heal wounds that otherwise keep people apart .

Finding ways to talk

• Prepare for the conversation .

• Check your purposes , and decide whether to raise the issues . What do you hope to accomplish ? Can you move this conversation to a stance of learning , sharing and problem-solving ?

• Invite the other party to reflect on the issue first . Listen actively to understand their perspective . Summarise and paraphrase .

• Share your viewpoint and what you need .

• Can you find common ground ? Invent options that meet the important concerns of both sides .

• Talk together about how to keep the conversation open as you go forward . If the conversation is not productive , you may need to revisit it at another time .

Source : Difficult conversations : How to discuss what matters most .

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