All this is driven by shame , hurt ,

he died , he reiterated how useless and

betrayal , devastation , helplessness and

unlovable I was and how he was looking

hopelessness .

forward to watching me “ crash and burn

And fear , always fear . I am one of the lucky ones . I made it out

within six months ” without him . He reiterated that I was nothing with-

the other side .

out him , that everything good in my life

When he left

He left one day to pursue his career in

was because of him . That I was ungrateful and unworthy . Those things were hard to hear , on the

another city . He made it clear that he was

back of so many years of abuse , but they

leaving me , not the other way around .

also spurred me on to prove him wrong .

I changed the locks and finally felt

Inside me , deeply hidden from him ,

physically safe , with him in another city .

I still had a kernel of self-worth , and it

Then he died .

saved me .

Suicide .

I was one of the lucky ones in so many

He had threatened suicide many times

ways . My work as a doctor was enough to

before , keeping me in check , and that is

pay the bills — first , when he left the fam-

not uncommon either . Devastating , but

ily home and then after he died .

common .

It was enough to support my shattered

When the police knocked on my door

sense of self-worth and catch a glimpse of

very late one night to break the news , I

recovery .

was in shock but not in disbelief .

Many women in the position I found

The first words that came out of my

myself in are not so fortunate , trapped by

mouth were , “ He always told me he

financial dependence , lack of support and

would do something like this .”

lack of agency .

The second thing I thought but did not

What happened to me is not uncom-

say was , “ Thank God he didn ’ t take me ,

mon , unfortunately .

the kids or anyone else with him .”

I have had enough time to process

I felt relieved , then guilty for feeling

what I went through , although there are

relieved , then angry , sad , grief-stricken ,

still some very deep traumatic memories

then numb and then back to being

that surface at times and are distressing

relieved .

and painful .

The emotions of a survivor when their

I was lucky enough to meet a kind ,

abuser dies by suicide are , in my expe-

gentle , loving and trustworthy man who

rience , complicated , confusing , difficult

taught me what a healthy , respectful rela-

and almost impossible to describe .

tionship looks like .

Navigating those emotions takes a

He has helped me and my children

very long time and adds significantly to

heal .

the trauma of the abuse .

breaking my treasured belongings , sexually

abusing me , sabotaging my friendships

I could not see how bad the situation had become . Perhaps because I had lost my own

Threats of suicide intersect with trauma , mental illness and childhood abuse and should never be brushed off , but unfortunately , they can also be used for the purposes of control in the context of domestic violence , leaving the victim in a permanent state of terror .

If this news story has raised issues for you or you are concerned about someone you know , you can call the following support services 24 hours a day , seven days a week : 1800 RESPECT ( the national domestic , family and sexual violence counselling service ) 1800 737 732

and finally strangling me . The escalation to strangling was

sense of agency , and I was so isolated . Definitely because I was deeply , deeply

It can be near impossible for a victim to determine what is a real threat and

Lifeline 13 11 14

terrifying . I found the courage to plan my exit the

ashamed that this was happening to me . Family violence occurs across the

what is a threat made to manipulate and control .

Beyond Blue 1300 224 636

night he pinned me against the fridge , put his hands around my neck until I could not

board . I know that now . I am not unique . In my work as a doctor , I have heard countless

It is destabilising and devastating and , in my experience , near impossible to

Men ’ s Referral Service 1300 766 491

breathe , stared into my eyes and hissed ,

stories of abuse .

navigate .

“ I ’ m angry .” I realised in that instant that he really could kill me if he wanted to . I strongly

Often , even when a patient is presenting with injuries consistent with violence and abuse , they will deny and deflect out of fear

Statistics show that men who use the threat of self-harm to coerce their partners are many times more likely to be

State- and territory-based doctors ’ health services :

ACT 1300 374 377

believe that realisation saved my life .

I finally acted

Why had I not come to this conclusion

of what their abuser will do next if they divulge and always , always because they are so ashamed .

In my own journey with shame , I also

perpetrators of extreme acts of domestic violence , including murder .

We should never ignore threats of selfharm , but victims of domestic violence

NSW 02 9437 6552

NT 08 8366 0250

sooner ? Perhaps because I still loved him ,

learnt to deflect , deny and divert . That bruise on my arm ? “ I ’ m so clumsy !

will recognise that the threat of self-harm is a very real tool used by perpetrators to

Queensland 07 3833 4352

despite everything , and I wanted to protect him .

Perhaps because I knew that at least some of his behaviour was driven by a difficult childhood , and childhood trauma is

I really need to be more careful .”

The way I jump whenever I hear someone raise their voice ? “ Nothing to see here ; I have always been the nervous kind !”

The fact that I often do not turn up to

manipulate and control .

In my case , my ex-husband ’ s threats of self-harm paralysed me , kept me captive , kept me exactly where he needed me to be .

SA 08 8366 0250

Tasmania 1300 374 377

Victoria 1300 330 543

common in men who perpetrate . Perhaps because I had become so condi-

events at the last minute ? “ I ’ m so sorry . I ’ m prone to migraines at the most inoppor-

It was horrific . Before he left , before he understood

WA 08 9321 3098

tioned to believe that this was my fault that

tune times .”

that he was losing control of me , before