Dear Goldie
Dear Goldie , My husband is a good man , a good provider , a good father . But I feel he puts me down frequently for what I regard as minor things , such as forgetting to buy milk , not tidying up the house , etc . He can fly into a rage over these things and start to criticize and berate me in front of our young children . Even though I am a university graduate holding a good job , over the years I feel my self-esteem sinking lower and lower – that I really am incapable and stupid as he says . I am often fearful of making mistakes which he may pick on . I have tried to communicate my feelings to him but he has not changed . I ’ m afraid my spirit is being crushed slowly and gradually . I know I cannot change him but is there any way for me to cope ?
Tired
Self-EsteemTrampled
Dear Tired ,
It is not true that your husband cannot change . God can change him – He is in the business of transformation . In the meantime , you can do several things to strengthen yourself to cope with your situation . When you are strong , you will be able to help him . Know the difference when your husband is complaining or criticizing you .
CRITICISM VS COMPLAINT VS CONTEMPT Complaint is a specific statement of anger , displeasure , or negativity against a specific act or lack of action . Criticism is less specific but is more of attacking the person . Contempt is the intent to insult and psychologically abuse someone , attacking his sense of self-worth . Example : Complaint : I ’ m angry because you know I always need milk for my cereal and you forgot to buy it . Criticism : You ’ re always forgetting things . I just can ’ t trust you to do anything right . Contempt : How stupid can you be , can ’ t you even remember a simple thing like that ? Have you no brains ? Your husband may be complaining about something you did or did not do but you have interpreted it as criticism of your character or you feel he ’ s insulting you or being abusive . It is important you distinguish his words , whether he is angry and complaining about your behaviour or he is attacking some aspect of your character or he is intentionally hurting you . So don ’ t lump everything together or jump to conclusion and don ’ t react the same way . But whatever it is , you need to protect yourself and not be hurt .
PROTECT YOURSELF You cannot avoid having people and events upset you . To be able to cope , you need to strengthen your inner spirit in order not to be affected by external circumstances . How do you feed your inner spirit to become strong ? Like the vine and branch , you can draw your strength by connecting with the source of strength . Nurture your spirit with His Word , prayer , fasting , etc . Praying in the spirit will edify and build you up ( I Cor . 14:4 ). When you are strong inwardly you will be much better able to have the right attitude , perspective and control to deal with your situations without getting upset .
SPIRITUAL WARFARE Be aware that in every situation the enemy will be prowling around seeking whom he may devour , so don ’ t forget to deal with his spiritual attacks , e . g . he will use your loved ones to provoke and hurt you , so don ’ t get angry with them but with the enemy who is using them . Use your spiritual weapons to attack back , e . g . use the Word of God to shut him up like what Jesus said , “ It is written …” Protect yourself with the armour of God , to block the attacks . So it is not with worldly or fleshly methods using your own will and ways but tapping into divine supernatural resources , with God ’ s enablement . So , on one hand , it will help to discern the cause of what your husband is doing but on the other hand , the ultimate solution is to deal with the spiritual implications . Let God define who you are ; your self-esteem is based on what God thinks of you ( you are His handiwork , precious , of great worth ) and not anybody else . Of course you should continue to find acceptable ways to communicate your feelings to your spouse and pray that he will understand . You may find such opportunities if you point out how the children are affected by the parents ’ harsh words . Can I suggest you pray together for your children ? This may be a way for you to get together in His Name and when He is in your midst , He will work .
Goldie
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Write to Asian Beacon ’ s Goldie Chong at aboffice @ asianbeacon . org for her godly counsel . You can also visit her new blog www . deargoldie . com .
Selected questions may be featured in this column . If you leave an email address , you will have your question answered , whether it ’ s published or not .
34 ASIAN BEACON 48 # 1 December 2016 - January 2017