FEATURE

BY MELINDA YEOH

HIS

ARTICLE IS FOR MARRIED couples at different stages of their marriage – rocky or otherwise . It ’ s not for those who are in an abusive marriage or where the spouse is a serial gambler or cheater , etc . It ’ s also for those who are thinking of getting married .

Let me begin with the lamest statement : Divorce is not pretty .

Of course , it ’ s not pretty ! Breaking up is painful , and it ’ s messy . But after the divorce , the future should be better , right ?

Well , for some of us who have not experienced being married to a divorcee , let me shed some light .

First up , I am not divorced . My husband is and he has the sole custody of his beloved daughter .

Secondly , this is a reflection of my personal experience . If you are living a happily-ever-after unscarred life after divorce , I ’ m truly happy for you . Now , let ’ s dive into the most important message of this article :

The consequences of a broken marriage can last a lifetime . Let me repeat : L-i-f-e-t-i-m-e . If you don ’ t read on , just remember the above statement .

Here ’ re the side-effects of divorce that I ’ m still dealing with after almost 10 years on .

In no particular order : 1 . Trying to reduce the pain of the divorce for my step-daughter with more love , but … 2 . Daughter is tired of going back and forth two houses .

3 . Daughter is coping with having no say in bio-mum and dad ’ s plans in moving her around . 4 . Daughter misses bio-mum and misses dad , but they are not together . Torn . 5 . Me trying hard not to feel rejected , but ... 6 . Handling the backlash that surfaced from years of the daughter being shuttled back and forth by her dad and bio-mum . 7 . Getting angry at bio-mum for regularly not keeping to her words of sending daughter back on days that she said she would but … 8 . Feeling helpless when biomum insists on her plans and we can ’ t confront her because we don ’ t want daughter to be caught in our conflict . 9 . Learning to suppress disappointment when we have made plans with daughter but bio-mum decides on a whim not to send her back . ( See now how complicated it is to arrange for your kids to be shuttled over the weekends , or holidays to see the other parent .) 10 . Me feeling like an idiot when husband talks with daughter and when the word ‘ mummy ’ comes up , the word is obviously not referring to me . 11 . Daughter at the tender age of seven came home from seeing bio-mum and cried her heart out because she missed her . And there ’ s NOTHING I could do to take that pain away . 12 . People making statements to me like “ Oh , she ’ s not your daughter , is it ?” and “ Why don ’ t you have one of your OWN ? It ’ s different , you know .” 13 . People asking “ Does she like you ?” 14 . People ‘ advising ’ me as a stepmum to leave the raising and disciplining of the child to the father . 15 . Mother-in-law said a few years back “ When daughter grows up , she will go back to her mother .” 16 . I ’ m scarred – still not able to rub those statements off my mind . 17 . Me feeling that because there was no umbilical cord between us , we may not have that mother-child bond .

18 . Whenever I choose to believe otherwise , statements 12-15 will come back to haunt me . 19 . Rinse and repeat .

My ultimate pet peeve is the naivety of parents who have been divorced thinking ( hoping ?) that their kids will be fine eventually . Yes , they cope . But no , they are affected and will be for the rest of their lives . And so will your life . Please give your marriage a fighting chance .

Invest in your marriage . Find out more about The Marriage Course at malaysia . alpha . org / tmc

Melinda Yeoh – wife , mother , communicator , blogger . Loves great copywriting , good coffee and watching Frasier , in that order . Blogs regularly at melindayeoh . com .