Aries Magazine December 2013 / January 2014 Issue | Page 150

I

t was always going to take
something drastic to shock
me out of the closet. I was a
14-year-old boy growing up on
a council estate in the Northwest of England when the first AIDS
story appeared in the tabloids. Anyone who lived through that time can
tell you how shocking and traumatizing it was. Not only were gay men
fighting for their lives, they were
fighting for the right to exist. Columnists, journalists, church leaders and
politicians were calling daily for our
rights to be curtailed and our liberty
taken from us. We were poisoned
and poisonous. The fear and hysteria
drove me so far back into the closet
I was never going to see the light. I
made the firm decision that I would
never ever tell anyone that I fancied
boys. By the time I was 23 I had
graduated from University and was
back home, living with my mum and
dad and trying to figure out what I
wanted to do with the rest of my life.
I’d passed up the best opportunity
I’d had so far to come out; by going
to another city to study I could have
been whoever I wanted to be, but I
was still too scared. I had this friend,
Graeme, who was in the year below
me. There’d always been a bit of
speculation about Graeme’s sexuality, as there was about mine, but
Graeme, like me, always denied he
was gay. Besides, he had a girlfriend,
which was more than I did. We had
this tentative conversation once,
when we were sitting on my bed and
flicking though a magazine, about
the shirtless male models. Graeme
described one of them as ‘dreamy,’
and as I glanced at him he turned
away, neither of us feeling brave
enough to reveal what was inside.
After I left Uni, we stayed in touch.
In those pre-mobile, pre-email days
this meant sending letters and phoning his shared house. Graeme was
always sparkling and funny, with a
handsome, open face and generous
DEC 2013 & JAN 2014

/

smile, so it came as a real surprise
when he began to suffer from depression. His parents took him out of
University and back home to receive
treatment and medication. We spoke
quite regularly during these months,
and I often struggled to respond to
his description of his depression,
which so exhausted him it was almost contagious. I’d had two bouts
of depression myself – first when I
was 17 (Kate Bush got me through
that one) and then when I was 21
(Joni Mitchell got me through that
one) – though I didn’t recognize
them as depression at the time. Both
were caused by the suppression
of my sexuality and I thought this
was just how life was when you’ve
decided that you’ll never be happy.
I was due to go to back to Hull for a
graduation ball and my friends and
I decided it would be a nice idea to
invite Graeme. I phoned his parents’
home and his dad answered. When
I asked to speak to Graeme there
was a small silence before his dad
asked who I was, where I was, and
whether I was on my own. I remember thinking, ‘he’s going to tell me
Graeme’s dead,’ before he actually
said the words. Graeme had killed
himself two days before, overdosing
on his medication. His dad gave me
the funeral details and I managed

ARIES

149

to write them on a scrap of paper
before putting the phone down. The
next few days were a blur and, at the
funeral, I found out that Graeme had
taken all the pills and then phoned
for an ambulance himself, saying
he’d ‘done something stupid,’ bu ?)????????????????????????)?????????????????!???????e??????)????????????????=????????????)????$??????????????????????????????$???????????????????)?????????????????$??????$)????????????????????????????????)????????%????????????????????????)??????????????????$??????????)?????????????????????????)???????????$???????????????????)?????????????????????????)?????????????????????$???????)???????????????????????????)???????$??????????????$????)????????????$???????????????????)???????????????????????????)???????????????????????????????????????????Q????????????)????????????????????????????????)?????????????$????????????????)???????????????$?????????)????????????????????????????)?????????5??????????????????)???????????????????? ?????????)Q????????????????????????????)?????????????????????????????1???)???????????????$?????????????????(+?L???????????????????????????????)?????????????$??????????????????)????????????????????????????$?????)????????????????????????????)??????????????????????????$)???????????????$??????e?)????????????????$???????????$)????????????????????????????)?????A??????????$?????????????)????????????????????????$)??????????????????????????)?????????????$????????????)???????????????'?e???????????$)????????????????????????????=?)???????????????????M?????)??????????????????????????$???)????]?????????????1???????)??????????????????????????+?a'?e????????????????d??????????a????e??)?????????d????????????]???)?????????????????????????????)%?e??????????????$????????????)?????????????????????????)????????????????????????????)???????????????????$???????????)???????????????????????????)???????????????????????????)??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????)????????????????????????????)????e????????????????????)????????????????????????????)????a????d?????????a?????d?????)?????????????%?e??????????????)???????e??????????????????)???e?????????????????e???????????)???????????????????????????????)?????????????????????????????$)????????????????????????'?e?)???????$????????????????????????????]?????????????????)?????????????$?????????????????)????????????????????????$?????)??????????????????????????)'?e???????????????????????????)???$????e????????????????????)?????????????????????$????)?????????????????????????????????)????5??????'?e????????????????)??????????$???????????????)????????=????????$?????????????$)??????????????(???()I%L((?()???????)8?????((