I’m not ashamed to admit that I got help from a therapist for that. I don’t know if I could have managed changing this gridlocked way of thinking by myself and I’m thankful that I had the chance to get help from a professional when I truly needed it. There’s no weakness in asking for help and admitting that you can’t deal with certain things all by yourself. Rather do I see asking for help and maybe even stepping out of your comfort zone for that as an act that does take a lot of courage and strength and I have nothing but respect and admiration for that. I’m feeling much better today and that’s what counts.
I started to accept myself, my body and the way I looked. It’s something that I have to train and that I still need to get used to but it’s really nice to have a little room to breathe.
I now realize that my parents often tried to comfort me and make me feel better about myself by putting the looks of other girls down; “Saskia, you’re beautiful. Nobody likes skinny girls like that.” As a little girl, I just accepted this, that was their way of comforting. Now, I really wish my parents wouldn’t think that way. I don’t want to have my self-worth build upon putting down others. So what if they’re skinny? Who cares? It sounds really solemn but I truly believe that everyone is beautiful in their own way. You don’t need to standardize beauty to put people in categories. That would be awfully boring and I don’t want this. It’s pigeonholing (is this really a word?) and history has shown that this can eventually be extremely toxic.
My perception of beauty has changed drastically, too. It’s gotten a lot more open and not confined to slenderness anymore. I see beauty in a lot of people and it makes me genuinely happy. Seeing people that don’t necessarily fit in the beauty norm is amazing and exciting to me. „Weird“ make-up and outfits, hairstyles and „a bit“ more weight (whatever that means), I love it and I celebrate it all. I want people to express themselves the way they want to and it makes me happy seeing that this form of self-expression gets more and more recognition in the media, too. I don’t care if this representation might only happen partially. It’s a start and I’m convinced that it will soon start to get more and more.
As of me, it still happens that I’m self-conscious about my looks. But that’s normal and I’m not sure if that will ever change. But what also happens is that nowadays I can walk past a mirror and my first thought is “Oh, you look nice/cute/beautiful today.” I don’t cringe anymore whenever I see a photo of myself. I don’t look at my body full of disgust anymore. I realize now that having a belly and thick thighs is completely normal and beautiful and the photoshopped versions of women in ads aren’t the norm at all. I’m now interested in make-up out of my own interest, not because I feel like I have to because otherwise I wouldn’t look pretty. It’s my curiosity. And all that is so so great. I still have bad days from time to time but these aren’t the norm anymore. I can say that each day, I’m nearer to my goal of fully loving myself and I’m incredibly thankful for that.
Maybe my journey would have looked different if my parents taught me differently. Nobody can tell. In the end, it doesn’t matter. It’s my personal story and it made me who I am today. Maybe because of my past, I feel about my change so strongly and deeply happy. And that’s great.
For the first time in my life I mean it when I say: Yes, I am proud of myself.
Now go on and be awesome
-Saskia