266
Aptavani-9
Please explain in detail, your inner state prior to Gnan
manifesting within you in 1958.
Dadashri: Yes, before Gnan manifested in me amidst the
kashayas of krodha-maan-maya-lobh and raag-dwesh (the
inner enemies of anger-pride-attachment-greed and attachment-
abhorrence respectively), the force of maan was the most
dominant. The rest of the kashayas were alive under the reign
and domain of maan (pride). It was the reign of the maan and
not of abhimaan (excessive pride). Abhimaan is maan with
mamata, i.e. this excessive pride is associated with a sense of
‘my-ness’. The pride that I had was without mamata (my-ness).
Questioner: What is pride without my-ness (mamata)
like?
Dadashri: ‘I only’ ‘I am something’ ‘I am something!’
that is what it is.
Questioner: That is called mamata (my-ness).
Dadashri: No mamata is something different. ‘This is
mine’ is extra pride (abhimaan). ‘This is mine. What do you
think of it? It is mine,’ that is extra pride. The extra weight that
is given to the ‘I’ is pride maan. It is natural to have pride; there
is nothing wrong with that. Extra pride (abhimaan) indicates
attachment. Extra pride is the display of my-ness (mamata).
Extra pride will be there only if there is my-ness (mamata). My-
ness was hardly existent in me. Only this pride of ‘I am
something’ was there and it was all wrong. One does not gain
or attain anything from it. He simply has the belief of ‘I am
something’.
I am talking about my life before attaining Gnan. The other
kashayas of anger-deceit-greed were subservient to this pride.
There was no trace of mama