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steal a taxi from a petrol station while its owner was inside paying for fuel . Graham , aged 31 , later dumped the cab and broke into his ex-girlfriend ’ s car . When he was arrested the following day , he was in possession of a stolen bicycle .
Last month , when he was sent back to prison for a further ten months , the court heard that police did not have much trouble in proving his guilt . Graham managed to leave his release papers on the front seat of in the stolen taxi , and then leave his prison travel voucher in his former girlfriend ’ s car .
His own exasperated solicitor described his actions as , “ absolutely insane .” The phrase could also apply to the driver of Audi A1 which police chased for 35 miles through south east London and Kent at the end of February . When he finally ran out of fuel , officers found he was carrying a large quantity of cannabis .
When he asked to produce his driving licence , he complied .. and presented a Legoland licence which he had won as a toddler in 2003 at the Lego theme park in Windsor for driving safely around a children ’ s track in an electric car . Unfortunately , as the officers were quick to point out , the licence does not qualify holders to drive on UK roads .
Then , there ’ s the case of Thomas Eugene Colucci from Florida who called the police last month when he became concern about drugs . The 41-year-old dialled 911 and asked officers to come and test some drugs he ’ d bought in a bar .
When they turned up , he told them he was an “ experienced drugs user ” and suspected he ’ d been sold bath salts by a conman . Police tested the substance he happily showed to them and then arrested him for possession of a Class A drug .
Council capers
The council which administers Saltash in Cornwall may be pleading a slight attack of insanity after white lines defining new parking spaces were laid out at the town ’ s Belle Vue car park . The width of the spaces is not a problem , but their length is just about right for Noddy ’ s taxi or a Smartcar . The average family car parked nose-in , however , will have its rear wheels well outside the bay .
The British Parking Association says the “ current norm ” for off-street parking bays is generally 2.4 metres wide by 4.8 metres long , guidance which appears to have been overlooked in Saltash .
Spare a thought for …
... Colin Craig-Brown of New Zealand who unearthed a massive potato in his garden last year . Dug the Spud weighed 7.9 kilos so Colin decided to make a claim for an entry in Guinness World Records , who asked him to send a sample . The results were made public last month , and it turns out that Dug is not a spud at all , but a “ tuber type of gourd .” We bet Colin now has a chip on his shoulder . ( Not funny – Ed .)
... the Chinese manufacturer of 10,800 souvenir tea cups , mugs and plates intended to mark the 70 year reign of the British monarch . The inscription on each item reads , “ To commemorate the Platinum Jubbly of Queen Elizabeth II .” Del Boy would be proud .
... Darren Durrant of Florida where the County Sheriff has branded him , “ one of the world ’ s dumbest criminals .” Darren was caught on security video stealing a crossbow from a shop , and hiding it in his pants . Unfortunately , he couldn ’ t hide the weapon completely and the handle was poking out of the waistband . When the video was shared on social media , Darren was quickly identified and arrested .
... a 21-year-old who ate a Cadbuty ’ s Creme Egg which could have won him £ 10,000 (€ 11,885 ). It was one of just 145
of the treats made of both white and milk chocolate which have been put into circulation by the manufacturers with cash prizes on offer to those who find them .
The anonymous international student had never tried a Creme Egg before so he consumed it without realising that he had stumbled across an unusual example . He is reported to have enjoyed it ... until he found out what he had done .
The special eggs , which have been scattered at participating retailers throughout the UK , are worth anything from £ 100 upwards and instructions for claiming the prize are printed on the wrapper . Claims must be made before June 17 .
The unlucky student described his error as , “ the lowest point in my short 21 years of my life .” If he ’ d found one of the six eggs worth £ 10,000 , he says if would have paid for , “ half my university tuition .”
Quotes
“ Under the old-fashioned ladies and gents system there might have been one or two people who felt a little put out by having to choose , now pretty much everyone feels uncomfortable .” – Sarah Vine in the Daily Mail on the “ insanity ” of gender-neutral toilets open to both women and men .
“ Can we meet halfway ?” – Meghan Markle to Prince Charles after he offered to walk her down the aisle , as recorded in Robert Hardman ’ s new biography of Queen Elizabeth II .
“ An unholy alliance of swivel-eyed communists , drippy hippies and Liberal Democrats ” – Jeremy Clarkson ’ s assessment of Oxford County Council after it became the first to ban meat and introduce a fully vegan menu at meetings .
“ ... the Orkney Islands , just off the south east coast of Scotland ...” – Review of a property in the Daily Mail on February 23 , clearly demonstrating that some journalists no longer understand what an atlas is for .
Grateful acknowledgement to the following papers from which some of this material is extracted : Daily Mail , Daily Mirror , Daily Express , Independent on Sunday , Mail on Sunday , The Sun , The Sunday Times , The Times and The Telegraph . Seen something funny , bizarre or just plain weird ? Contributions for Jottings are welcome by email to : sarah @ soltalk . com .
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