THIS IS NOT A CHAIR.
9 SPORT
The Curious Case of the Crippling
Coffee Table (and other stories)
It is a time travelling device
programmed to take you to the
year when you become CEO...
By Richard Williams
Whether courting disaster by
engaging in hand-to-face combat like the English football captain did recently or simply putting your feet up (yes, really...),
sports stars are as susceptible
as the rest of us when it comes
to being the victim of freak accidents. After watching the
now-infamous leaked video of
Mr Rooney falling to his kitchen floor like Amir Khan after a
night on the tiles, we thought it
only fair to bring you the best of
the rest...
Silver Chair
straining a tendon behind his
knee and was out for some
time. With a substantial increase in wages following his
move to Manchester Utd a
voked me”, explained a fum- price of gas had been accelerating Christian, “by farting all ing recently, forgetting to apply
the time”.
the handbrake proved even more
costly, and the soccer star manRonnie Lott – unless you’re aged to run
into the NFL you’ve probably
never heard of him. However,
next month marks the 29th
anniversary of something
quite remarkable for the former 49er. After colliding with
an opponent, his left pinkie
finger was not in a good way.
In fact, it required fairly urgent surgery which would
have almost certainly ended his season. Unable bear
the idea of temporarily not Ever Banega, proving that he can park
his car now.
playing with his pals, Ronnie
took the courageous and tru- himself over, sidelined for Ever.
ly mind-boggling step of hav- Well for, the next few months
ing the finger amputated so he anyway.
could resume the season. God
Bless America.
And finally... Enner Valencia is a
recent victim of the footballer’s
curse. In March 2015 the West
Ham United striker required
stitches in his big toe as he had
suffered a “deep laceration” having trodden on a fragment of a
broken china cup. The catering
team at Upton Park have allegedly been put on gardening leave.
In unconfirmed reports his manager, Samuel Allardyce, has been
quoted angrily dismissing the
story as “a storm in a teacup”. The
inquest continues...
Rio tells David the tale of his tendon
year later, he was able to afford better quality furniture
Back in 2001, Rio Ferdinand, at at Apres (we jest...).
the time the world’s most expensive defender, was watching his Sascha Bender (we swear we
telly box and decided to put his didn’t make that up!) from
feet up. On the coffee table. Dan- the German giants Stuttgart
gerous move... Rio remained Kickers was once punched in
in the same position for some the face by teammate - and
length of time, presumably en- Rooney wannabe - Christian
grossed in back to back episodes Okpala. His reason was simof Song of Praise, and ended up ple: “He permanently pro-
Ronnie Lott: not related to Pixie
Ever Banega, an Argentine
footballer (but then you knew
that, didn ’t you), had his season wiped out by his own
car. Yes, poor Senor Banega
stopped off for petrol on his
way home from a training
session in 2014. Whilst the