Angelman Today September / October edition 2013 | Page 21

Marital Stresses
“It is both the words you choose, as well as your tone that makes the difference.”
“Look, I work all day, I bring in all the money, I pay for everything in the home, as well as your vacations – I don't think it's unfair that I ask you to pull your own weight” Guys, (or gals, if the roles are reversed) if you're thinking that my response was perfectly reasonable – Bang your head against the wall, because it's about the worst thing you can say. How do I know this? Because I had a very, very well respected psychologist and marriage counselor tell me so. We went to see her, many, many years ago and I will admit up front that I went in there, fully expecting to be vindicated, to have this counselor tell my wife that she was being completely unreasonable and that it was only fair for her to “make up for” the massively imbalanced financial contributions to the marriage. One of my complaints was the lack of intimacy in the marriage, amongst other things. Don't get me wrong: She did have issues that needed to be dealt with, but, the counselor responded with this: “So, Marc, let me see if I understand, before I make a comment, okay? Your wife gets up in the morning, makes the children breakfast, ensures they're bathed, including your severely handicapped, wheelchair bound son, gets him dressed, gets the other two on the bus, pushes Liam to school, then comes home, cleans up the house,
(continued from July edition)

washes, folds and puts away the laundry, then gets the kids home, which includes pushing Liam back from school in the wheelchair, cooks and serves dinner, washes the dishes, helps the kids with their homework, gets them into bed, makes sure Liam has his medication, cleans up the house from the mess made from the kids coming home and then... You expect her to want to be intimate? Is this an accurate summation? “ To put it mildly, yes, I felt like an idiot. It took a professional to teach me what should have been blindingly obvious: I could earn a million dollars a day, but if my spouse looks at the house as nothing but a never ending workplace, then the very idea of sex was just another job.

The chances are even greater that they'd like to see a little more of it without always being the one to ask, initiate, bribe or beg for it, either. Now: Some readers right now are shaking their heads and thinking “Hmph. Men. That's all they think about: Sex.”
Wrong. Here is why you are wrong. “Getting” sex is easy. There are plenty of women out there who are willing to “give sex”. There are plenty of websites where the only purpose is to hook up for sex. (Yes, Virginia, women enjoy no-strings sex, too). But here's the rub: According to “"Love, Sex and the Changing Landscape of Infidelity", The New York Times, October 27, 2008”, the largest, longest running and most consistent surveys done with regards to extra marital affairs, the infidelity rate for men is 12% and women, 7%. It can vary by year and by age group, but the numbers are relatively similar. If “all men want is sex”, the infidelity rate should be higher – a lot higher – as in, closer to 90%. Yes, men do tend to want intimate relations more often than women (though, as it turns out, not by nearly as wide a margin as historically thought),

Folks: If sex and intimacy becomes a job, you are in serious trouble. That is the key to understand: Contributing to the marriage isn't just about the money that you earn or about the housework you do: It's about feeling that you are an equal in the partnership. Even when the circumstances are difficult. That saying that “money can't buy happiness” - It's true. It may well buy you some additional options in life, but it absolutely will not buy happiness. So how, exactly, do you get happiness? Believe it or not, the answer is very simple: You get happiness by giving happiness. This isn't a Kumbaya moment: This is about giving your partner what makes them happy. Yes, ladies, I am about to talk about sex. (Guys, don't start pumping your arms in victory: I haven't gotten to us, yet); Ladies, unless your partner has specifically and emphatically told you that they are not interested in sex, the chances are very good that they'd like to see a little more of it.

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September / October 2013