WHEN LIFE is not going your way, I’ ve heard remarks like“ Just move on!” and“ Don ' t be so hard on yourself!.” I ' ve heard similar remarks in work environments as well. Mocking people who are upset and in pain, however, doesn’ t get them over it. It just gets them over you. What drives empathy-lacking behavior and language like this? Emotions.

Wait a minute. Don’ t emotions create empathy? Not necessarily. Empathy— the ability and willingness to stand in someone else’ s shoes( no matter how much those shoes hurt)— is an emotional response. And for some folks, this is problematic. Emotions can make people feel uncomfortable and humans strive for comfort. We do not feel okay with not feeling okay.

When a person has a feeling that we do not like having, we want the person’ s feeling to stop. We employ myriad strategies to make things nice again. We try to fix the situation by suggesting the person take action, such as“ Check out this job website. You’ ll find another job!” We suggest people feel differently:“ Just be relieved your dad is no longer suffering.” We express anger or numb ourselves, ignoring the icky feelings that someone else’ s troubles have brought upon us.

And this is unfortunate, because emotions make us strong enough to weather and grow in these situations. If someone trusts you enough to show you how they really feel, they’ ve given you a gift: a moment to connect and build trust.

What if, instead of fixing the situation or numbing yourself, you just sat with someone? What if you said no more than“ I’ m here for you”? Not sure how to go about it? That’ s what practice is for.

A DELIBERATE PRACTICE: TEN DAYS

Here’ s a deliberate practice to try when someone around you is upset. The upset person can be anyone: a colleague, a partner, someone on Facebook, anyone.

For ten days, instead of trying to fix the situation, just say“ That must be so difficult,”“ I can’ t imagine how hard that is,”“ Tell me more,” or something similar. No matter what else you want to say or suggest, don’ t. For ten days. You may

EMBRACING YOUR EMOTIONS

notice how often you want to correct rather than empathize, or notice your well-meaning tendency to fix things. Just sit beside such persons in distress and let them have a moment. Their moment.

And don’ t do so as an empty exercise just because you thought you’ d try a ten-day thing you read in a magazine. Empathy isn’ t a strategy. It’ s a feeling.

If feeling doesn’ t come easy for you, try to recall a time when you felt the way the other person feels now. Think,“ Me too.” Then speak your empathy( without making it all about you):“ That must be so hard.” Notice how these people move through their feelings on their own. Let them feel.

Emotions are to be embraced and not surpressed. They are the foundation of empathy, and they can change us, if we let them. We can learn to feel okay with not feeling okay.

2017 WINTER 9