Issue 3
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Help children develop Self Control
The path to self-control is neither easy nor
simple. Many adults falter, so don’t expect
miraculous performance by children at first.
Psychologist Johnathan Haidt metaphorically
describes this process of gaining self-control
as - a comparatively tiny rider (the conscious,
thinking, verbal brain) trying to control and
direct a huge elephant (the automatic,
emotional, visceral brain). This is a great visual
for even children to understand and
remember. Show it to your child and discus
what it means. It can come in handy when the
child’s ‘elephant’ is on the loose.
Instead of losing your mind, you may want to
guide your child to get ‘the rider to take
control of the elephant’.
Like riding a bicycle, self-control is a skill that
children can master over time, with practice
and support. Parent has a double task to help
the child ‘tame his/her elephant,’ while
keeping your own elephant in check.
The infographic below, shows the stages of
helping children develop self control.
JAS 2017
Signs of self-control are seen in toddlers as
they start becoming more cooperative, obey
parents’ simple requests, at least sometimes.
As children learn to resist temptations at this
stage, parents can use ‘No’ wisely and direct
them towards making wise choices. Do not
overdo the ‘No’ or push their willpower to
limits. Imagine it to be like a battery that
eventually gets exhausted and needs
charging (rest) from time to time. It is
necessary that parents remain patient and
loving as their child manages this difficult task
As children start interacting more with the
outside world - in preschools, playgrounds
they pick up a skill that will help them through
social situations - ability to wait, wait for their
turn on playground, for lunch break. Parents
can help children practise this new skill by
teaching them to use it before reacting.
‘Pause Button’ is a visual tool that will remind
children to pause and think before reacting -
getting angry, sad, frustrated. Show, don’t just
tell. It is important for parents to be a role
model and themselves demonstrate this
ability in their actions.
As children manoeuvre school, they are faced
with decisions - hurry up or get late, do
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