practical living
How are we to grieve now?
Dealing with death in a pandemic.
By Conor Burke
Benita Kolovos recently recalled the
day her family had the funeral for
their beloved Papou. Kolovos, a
journalist, wrote of the toll that restrictions
on funerals have taken on her and her
family. Calling family members to tell them
they couldn’t attend the service and sitting
far apart from her loved ones in the church
magnified her grief.
“I’ve never felt more alone,” she wrote.
Worst of all was the unexpected
appearance of police officers, carrying
guns, to do a head count with about 15
minutes left in the funeral.
“They started speaking to church staff
while the funeral director cut the service
short, quickly calling for the coffin to be
taken out.
“We were forced to feel in the wrong
when we were doing everything right.
“Everyone rushed to their cars, terrified
24 agedcareinsite.com.au
of a fine. Some couldn’t follow the hearse
as we made our way to the cemetery.”
Kolovos’ experience will not be an
uncommon one as we face living and
grieving in new ways.
Most of us are familiar with the theory of
the five stages of grief, also known as the
Kübler-Ross model.
The stages of denial, anger, bargaining,
depression and acceptance have long
been used to help us understand and
navigate our way through grief, but what
about grief experienced in this current time
of pandemic?
Losing a loved one is difficult at any time,
but with the added restrictions surrounding
visitation in aged care and around funeral
procedures coming into law in recent
months, people may struggle to find the
closure they need.
“Even though there are some great
things being done, I think there’s a lot
of people [who are] going to be very
frustrated,” says Dr Philip Bachelor, lecturer
in cemetery practice at Deakin University
and a specialist on grief and bereavement.
Bachelor has been working in the funeral
industry for four decades and his course
at Deakin University is the first of its kind
in the world. He was motivated to improve
funeral practice in Australia as, when he
first started, the industry was at times
“dreadfully insensitive”.
“We were uncaring, we were culturally
offensive, we had no understanding of grief
and bereavement. We basically had no
idea who our clients were and what they
were going through. And I decided that I
wanted to find out who these people were
and what they needed and what we could
be doing better. It turned out to be the first
such social research done in the industry
anywhere,” he says.
The funeral experience is key for the
grieving process, as grief is both personal
and communal, Bachelor found.
“A funeral is a critical central focal point
where if the whole family all gets together
and you see your sister that you haven’t
spoken to for a couple of months and
you’re going to fall into each other’s arms,
and they can cry and so on.