SCHOLARSHIP WINNER
The Face In
The Mirror
ABUSE Magazine wants to congratulate Fantazia Harris-Gully,
our High School graduate from Fort Madison High School in
Fort Madison, IA. ABUSE Magazine and our staff wants to
congratulate her for winning the ABUSE Scholarship and we
encourage her to pursuit her academic goals. We also would like
to encourage future seniors to participate in our essay contest.
I believe that mental and verbal abuse are both major problems
in modem day society. I see it all around me and deal with it in
the form of racism every day; it’s as much a part of my life as
eating and breathing. When I look in the mirror, the first thing I
see is a human being. I’ve got all the characteristics of one, but
unfortunately that’s not enough. The first thing people see is the
color of my skin. It’s brown, though it’s called black, which never
made much sense to me. When I was little, I didn’t really feel
much different from everyone else. I realized that my skin color
was different from some people, but it didn’t seem to matter. To
me we were all just people, the end. I believe racism is learned,
not a natural reaction.
Where I live the population is predominantly white. My aunt
exposed me to endless rants about “Whites, Jews, and Mexicans”.
I’d get mad at her, but I’d never say anything. I know that people
aren’t all nice or all mean either; like the entire human race in
general. When I was little my life was simple, uncomplex, and
joyful I hadn’t yet experienced the hatred, anger, and irrational
fear of being different.
My aunt tells me I act too white, from being around them too
much. She says that I try to dress, act, and look like ‘’them’’.
Once when I was really excited to tell her about my day at school.
I suppose I said the words ‘’like”, and “awesome” too many
times, because she cut me off mid-sentence. She’s the type of
woman who can stop you cold with just one stare.
She got in my face and started screaming, “You’re not white,
do you realize how stupid you sound when you talk like that?!
You walk around like you’re better than everyone else. Little
Miss Priss, sticking your nose up at us. WAKE UP, YOU’RE BLACK.
And guess what THEY DON’T EVEN LIKE YOU!” Then in a quiet,
menacing voice, she said, “They aren’t your friends. There is
no such thing as a friend... “. Then she continued on with her
same old speech about how there’s no such thing as a friend, only
people willing to smile in your face then stab you in the back,
especially White people. I wasn’t trying to act white, I was just
being myself.
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| Iowa - 2014 | abusemagazine.org
At school I got teased for the way my hair, and clothes looked.
But mostly for not “being black enough.” Am I not black enough
just because I don’t talk fast and overuse slang when I speak? I
don’t know the lyrics to every rap song, and I hate watermelon.
My skin isn’t any lighter due to these facts, but I’m still “not black
enough”. People say I’m the whitest black person they know. I
sat through black jokes, and never said a thing, sometimes I’d
laugh just to fit in. They call me Oreo, since I appear black on
the outside, but I act white. I was teased so much that I began
expecting it. The hardest part was pretending like it didn’t hurt.
I was emotionally raw, and mentally prepared for war every day.
War with my aunt, the kids at school/work, and the war I could
never escape ... with myself I felt like everything I said and did
was wrong everyday just for existing.
On the inside, I began to truly hate everything about myself
I felt broken and insignificant. I didn’t know who I was. People
have an expectation for who I’m supposed to be and I don’t
comply. I felt like something was wrong with me. I blamed
myself because it was my fault in my mind. Then I became angry,
because why should I feel bad for trying to find my place in this
world? My aunt tries to instill pride in me, though she tells me
I’m not good enough. At school and work kids tell me I act white,
yet they call me their ‘’black friend”. Why use a word to describe
me if it’s inaccurate? The thing that bothered me most is when I
find something I’m really good at, I never get credit. Like track
for instance; I was a good sprinter and I loved to run. However,
when I’d talk about it I’d get cut me off and told, ‘’Well you’re
black, you’re supposed to be fast.” I work really hard for what
I want, yet I reap no reward. My point it that mental and verbal
abuse (racism) are alive and thriving in the world around us every
day, so I only ask that we all be a little more conscious of our
involvement in it.
Fantazia Harris-Gully
Fort Madison High School - Fort Madison, IA