BY BARON CLAUDE BORLZ
THE POWER OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE 1 . If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times , does he become disoriented ? 2 . If people from Poland are called Poles , why aren ’ t people from
Holland called Holes ? 3 . Should a person who emigrates from Crete be considered an excretion ? 4 . Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery ? 5 . If a pig loses its voice , is it disgruntled ? 6 . If love is blind , why is lingerie so popular ? 7 . Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker ? 8 . When cheese gets its picture taken , what does it say ? 9 . Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist ? 10 . Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites ? 11 . Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things ? 12 . Why isn ’ t the number 11 pronounced onety one ? 13 . If “ I am ” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language , could it be that “ I do ” is the longest sentence ?
14 . If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked , doesn ’ t it follow that electricians can be delighted , musicians denoted , cowboys deranged , models deposed , dog trainers debarked , and dry cleaners depressed ? 15 . What hair colour do they put on the driver ’ s licenses of bald men ? 16 . Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office ? What are we supposed to do , write to them ? Why don ’ t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail ? 17 . You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive . 18 . No one ever says , “ It ’ s only a game ” when their team is winning . 19 . Ever wonder about those people who spend £ 2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water ? Try spelling Evian backwards : NAIVE 20 . Isn ’ t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool ? 21 . If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea , does that mean that fifth one ENJOYS it ?
FUNNIEST QUOTES ABOUT AGEING :
• “ The older I get , the more clearly I remember things that never happened .* Mark Twain *
• “ First you forget names , then you forget faces , then you forget to pull your zipper up , then you forget to pull your zipper down .” - * Leo Rosenberg *
• “ At fifty , everyone has the face he deserves .” * George Orwell *
• “ At age 20 , we worry about what others think of us … at age 40 , we don ’ t care what they think of us … at age 60 , we discover they haven ’ t been thinking of us at all .” * Ann Lander *
• “ As you get older three things happen . The first is your memory goes , and I can ’ t remember the other two .” * Sir Norman Wisdom *
• “ It ’ s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone , but the idea of getting old doesn ’ t appeal to anyone .” Andy Rooney *
• “ Birthdays are good for you . Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest .” * Larry Lorenzon *
• “ I ’ m 59 and people call me middle-aged . How many 118-year-old men do you know ?” * Barry Cryer *
• “ Old age isn ’ t so bad when you consider the alternative .” * Maurice Chevalier *
• “ Grandchildren don ’ t make a man feel old , it ’ s the knowledge that he ’ s married to a grandmother that does .” * J . Norman Collie *
• “ When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look , it ’ s a sure sign you ’ re getting old .” * Mark Twain *
• “ Time may be a great healer , but it ’ s a lousy beautician .” * Anonymous *
* HAPPY AGEING AND GROWING *
aBr WORDS IN ACTION 46 JANUARY • FEBRUARY • MARCH 2025