| by Baron Claude Borlz
Last Writes you will always find on the last page of ABR,
because all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
12 of the finest (unintentional)
double-entendres ever aired on TV
and Radio
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing
Commentator - ‘This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother.’
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator
- ‘Andrew Mehrtens loves it when
Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.’
3.
Pat Glenn, weightlifting
commentator - ‘And this is
Gregoriava from Bulgaria ... I saw
her snatch this morning and it was
amazing!’
4. Harry Carpenter at the OxfordCambridge boat race 1977 - ‘Ah,
isn’t that nice. The wife of the
Cambridge President is kissing the
Cox of the Oxford crew.’
5. US PGA Commentator - ‘One of the
reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each
tee shot, his wife takes out his balls
and kisses them .. Oh my God!!
What have I just said??’
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food
in the Middle Ages on ‘Time Team
Live’ said: ‘You’d eat beaver if you
could get it.’
7. A female news anchor woman from
Tyne Tees who, the day after it was
supposed to have snowed and
didn’t, turned to the weatherman
and asked, ‘So Bob, where’s that
eight inches you promised me last
night?’ Not only did he have to
leave the set, but half the crew did
too, because they were laughing so
hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US
Masters: ‘Ballesteros felt much
better today after a 69 yesterday.’
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo
hot dog on ‘Look North’ said:
‘There’s nothing like a big hot
sausage inside you on a cold night
like this. ‘
10 Mike Hallett discussing
missed snooker shots
on ‘Sky Sports’:
‘Stephen Hendry jumps
on Steve Davis’s misses
every chance he gets.’
11. Michael Buerk on watching
Philippa Forrester cuddle
up to a male astronomer for
warmth during BBC1’s UK
eclipse coverage remarked:
‘They seem cold out there.
They’re rubbing each other
and he’s only come in his
shorts.’
12. Ken Brown commentating
on golfer Nick Faldo and
his caddie Fanny Sunneson
lining-up shots at the Scottish
Open: ‘Some weeks Nick likes
to use Fanny; other weeks he
prefers to do it by himself.’
HELGA’S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1: All packed for the cruise ship -- all
my nicest dresses, swimsuits, and short sets. Really, really
exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this “all-girls” trip. It will be my first one - and
I can’t wait!
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2: Entire day at sea, beautiful.
Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3: At the pool today.
Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very
attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5: Pool again today. Got sunburned, and
I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day.
Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is
quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.
Again I declined. He told me that if I did not let him have his
way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6: Today I saved 2 600 lives. Twice.
And finally, with the Rand in the doldrums, I decided
to visit a fortune teller to find out what the Rand
would be like in 2019. This is what she showed me:
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4: Won $800.00 in the ship’s casino.
Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own
cabin.
Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and
champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined.
Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
| words in action
104
april 2014