As I sit here and think of where to begin, it's hard because for so long I told myself to forget and move on. I've later found out it's not about forgetting, but rather being able to accept the past and then learn from it. To me, that's what life is all about, finding myself through the rough patches and coming out of it stronger, not letting it destory who I am. When I think about the people I know that have taken the wrong turn in life, I feel bad for them because they weren't strong enough on their own to overcome whatever it was they went through, and instead of seeking help they lost themselves. I still have a problem accepting that
because my mum took
that wrong turn in life
and never sought help;
now, she feels stuck
despite me trying to help.
I have to accept I can't
change her path, only
she can.
Drugs...a word I feel I
know so much about. It's
sad sometimes when I think about how easy it is to get caught up in drugs. I've been there and I've witnessed it. It takes over your life completely. Despite knowing it's wrong, I feel like I'm stuck as if there's no hope for me, as if no one cares anymore. That's when it becomes stronger than an addiction. I'm now convincing myself I'm not worth anything and I might as well be dead.
Getting high to feel a temporary level of happiness, to feel something, but my mind would bring me back to painful memories from my childhood. I tried to forget rather than heal from those devastating few months, where I was molested by someone I was supposed to trust. I lost my innocence and was robbed of my childhood by a person I was told to talk about my problems and feelings with. Little did I know they would become a monster to me. From that day on, a sense of trust for anyone was lost.
How can you come out of such a dark place when you can't see the light, when you can't see a new beginning? For me, it took a lot to convince myself I deserved better than where I was at that moment in my life. After my first suicide attempt, I knew I had to get away from all the stress, so I moved. As hard as it was to move away from the people I love, I knew I had to do it, finally do something for myself. If I stayed, I honestly don't know how long until I would've attempted again, because when I felt stuck, I looked for my way out even it was death.
Sophomore year. A new town, away from my
family, a new start for myself. No one here
knows my story, knows
where I've been. I feel as
if I can start over. But in
the back of my mind, I
remember the "me" back
in my home town. I
remember that I'm nothing,
so I fall back for a little while, using drugs to cope with the stress of pretending I'm something I'm not; putting on a face of someone different every morning to hide who I really am from the rest of the world, when deep down I know who I am.
I find a new me, a happy one, without the drugs, without pretending. I'm happy I've made it.
Junior year. It's going good, I'm happy. I feel on top of the world. Grades are good, I've distanced myself from family who stress me out to focus on me and get through this school year. Then, it hits; a wave of uncontrollable emotion - overwhelmed, sad, depressed, feeling useless - like I won't make it. I stopped believing in myself. So, I tried again. Tried taking the most precious gift, my life.
"Then, it hits; a wave of uncontrollable emotion - overwhelmed, sad, depressed, feeling useless - like I won't make it."
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Vignettes
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