Who am I now?
I have been told I am too direct, too focused on tasks getting done and not focused enough
on people. I think that people find me rude. I don’t mean to be. I am just used to getting things
done quickly. I am used to being on time and being responsible, very responsible. It is unsettling
to say the least to be around so many people who really don’t want to work at all, let alone take
responsibility for the quality of their work.
Then there are times when I am hard on myself because I just can’t concentrate. I can’t get
focused like I need to be. I seem to be falling down on the job and I hate it that I can’t perform
the way I used to. I start to wonder, “Am I lazy? Am I just a no-good loser?” Then I start to go
down this long spiral of negative thinking. I doubt myself and I doubt all of humanity. I even
doubt there is a God or at least I doubt that He knows what He is doing. I ask myself, “Should I
be stronger? Should I be calmer? Should I be nicer?”
I know you have gone through so much too, Tess. How did you feel about yourself? Did you
feel like you had become something far less than who you were, than who were supposed to be?
Did you feel robbed of something sacred and that you were somehow responsible for allowing
that to happen? Help me to understand how I should I feel and act. How does a person act when
his world has been turned upside down and then torn into shreds? Who is to blame for all of this
mess? Am I to blame for all of this mess? Am I the one who can’t handle it? Why do I feel so
guilty all the time? Is it my fault? Am I doing something wrong?