50 Years of Umko 1966 - 2016 1966 - 2016 | Page 93

“Duct tape is like

:

It has a Dark side and a Light side and it holds the Universe together”

UMKO RAPIDS
INTERNATIONAL SCALE OF DIFFICULTY EXPLAINED
Class I: Easy Fast moving water with small waves. Swimming is

pleasant, riverbank easily reached. A nice break from paddling. Most
gear and equipment is recovered. Boat is just slightly scratched.

Class II: Novice Straightforward rapids with wide, clear channels
which are evident without scouting. Swimming to eddies requires
moderate effort. Climbing out of river may involve slippery rocks
and bush-induced scratches. Paddle travels downstream requiring
lengthy walk. Some unimportant gear missing. Boat hits submerged
rock leaving visible dent.

cartoon by William Nealy - reprinted with permission of Menasha Ridge Press

Dad’s First Umko - at 72yrs-old - by Tim Biggs

My Dad was a tough old farmer but not a canoeist. Well, that year David,
Dan and I were all racing the marathon so Dad decided he wasn’t going to
be left out of the fun. He had done the Staebraes to Josephine’s section in an
old Gordon Rowe white-water boat once or twice and so thought he’d be
fine. No amount of cautioning from his boys could change his mind.
The river was flowing strongly on the first day and we all got to Riverside
in good time. Hours later Dad was nowhere to be seen and we started to get
worried. But he finally made it - that day and to the end of the marathon last man home.
Turns out he had been busy en-route. As stragglers started trickling in to
Riverside in their boats with miles of duct tape and acacia branches holding
them together they told of this old guy who had stopped to help them spent an hour or so helping them patch, then gone to help the next boat in
distress. In between he would get out at every irrigation pump to check out
what crops the farmers in this neck of the woods were irrigating. That was
old Pops!

Age-old propositions

In the late 70s two legendary Dusi and Umko winners teamed up for
the marathon. It was a full year and at a point roughly halfway between
Riverside and Mpompomani where the river flattens out and widens the
Pope was passing the time of day in isiZulu conversation with some of the
scantily-clad and well-endowed maidens washing clothes on the riverbank.
The conversation was interspersed with much mirth and ribald laughter
and as they paddled off Charlie asked what had been discussed. “Oh” said
Graeme, “the Dolly Parton look-alike wanted me to spend some time with
her and I told her I was far too young for that kind of thing.” Oh, yes? said
Charlie.
“Yes, and then she asked, ‘What about you?’ and I told her you were far
too old for that kind of thing.”
Oh, thanks very much, replied Charles.

Class III: Intermediate Rapids with moderate, irregular waves
which may be difficult to avoid. Water is swallowed. Legs are
dragged against sharp rocks. Several eddies are missed while
swimming. Decision to stay with boat results in moment of terror
when swimmer realises he’s downstream of boat. Paddle is trapped
in small hole upstream. All personal possessions are floating in
different directi ons. Paddling partners run along river bank shouting
helpful instructions. Boat is munched against boulder hard enough
to leave deep cracks. Sunglasses fall off.
Class IV : Advanced Powerful but predictable rapids requiring

precise swimming in turbulent water. Swimming may require ‘must’
moves above dangerous hazards. ‘Must’ moves are downgraded to
`strongly recommended’ after they are missed. Sensation of disbelief
experienced while about to swim large drops. Rocks are clung to
with death grip. Paddle is completely forgotten. One shoe sucked off.
Paddling partners running alongside look genuinely concerned. Boat
nowhere in sight. Climbing up river bank involves acacia thorn tree.
Helmet camera missing, contact lenses are moved to rear of eyeballs.

Class V: Expert There is no swimming, only frantic movements
to get a breath from time to time. That hole that looked like nothing
when scouted, holds you under the water until your lungs are close
to bursting. Terror and panic set in as you realise your paddling
partners have no chance of reaching you. You surface to see you
still have most of the rapid left to swim. Swim to the eddy? What
effing eddy!? This rapid sucks - shoes, socks, sunglasses, hats, camera,
watch and clothing are sucked off. Paddling partners on shore are
frantic. Their horror is reflected on their faces as they stare at how
you are being tossed around! They are hoping they remember how
to do CPR.
Class VI: World Class Not recommended for swimming.
Adapted and Umko-ised from Dave Petterson of Calgary Paddlers ‘International
Scale of River Difficulty’ - thanks!

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UMKO 50 Years