50 Years of Umko 1966 - 2016 1966 - 2016 | Page 83

then liberally applied the anaesthetic (a bottle of brandy) which a witness
standing next to him - the clerk of the course, no less - swears was taken
internally by the doc. None for the patient who was simply told to ‘Sit Still’.
Dr Sir Rodney stitched the barely-attached nose back in situ and sent Dan
off to hospital where a plastic surgeon decided he could do nothing further
for him, the River Doctor had done such a good job (or was it that the canvas
didn’t warrant any further artistry?).
There was no infection and Dan could not sue the club as he was told by
all KCC members that he was better-looking after this free re-arrangement
of his rather prominent proboscis by ‘fibreglass surgery’. And he was in fact
lucky KCC wasn’t going to charge him for it.
In fact rumour has it the nose was so good after the tailgate surgery that
it led Dan & Ron to Riverside in the pitch dark in a later Umko when they
wrecked their transport. OK, they were led by a local Florence Nightingale
carrying a candle, but still: That nose had to follow the candle.

No.8 ©Jon Ivins

“Going down! Dark brown, all-enveloping water. Surging, thrusting,
pulling. Going down, or was it up? So deep, yet no rocks bashing bones.
Still down, an eon goes by. Fighting, kicking. Lungs bursting. I think of my
young daughter. I think ‘Does my insurance cover me for this?’ As I start to
cough up water, Pete The Pom Mountford bobs by, hanging on to his boat.
“Give us a hand Brian old chap” he asks. “Swim for the eddy” I mutter. I’ve
had my share.”
Rescued by a kid with a tube and with more duct tape than boat
Mthimkhulu (‘big tree’) pat-paddled on down to Josephine’s. There he
joined a number of shell-shocked survivors. He ends off: “SABC TV like my
story, I become famous and go home to watch the rest of the Umko from the
safety of an armchair. Maybe I should swim the Midmar Mile to practice for
next year’s Umko?”

Bruce

Below No.1 ©Jon Ivins

Swims With Happier Endings - Where even though - if you believe
them - our paddlers went to where it was darker than a yard down a hippo’s
throat, they emerged back into daylight.
Brian Mthimkhulu Moore’s deliberate swim - does my insurance cover me for
this?
“To go or not to go” that is the question. As fickle as a maiden pulling
petals from a daisy, I change my mind a hundred times. Eventually my heart
beats my common sense into submission and I join the other lambs as we are
led to the slaughter.
“From Hella Hella Bridge we hear confidence-building comments, such
as: “Ladies and gentlemen, half the A batch is swimming at No.1 and we
could select a current Springbok side from the guys on the bank!” Cautious,
I manage to sneak No.1 so well that I have to ask aspiring photographers to
make way! Then I swim and a smooth, casual and confident Rip Kirby has
the time to enquire after my good health as he flashes by. I sneak the rest till
No.8 where I swim again and find myself sans boat on an island between the
two channels. I wave at the crowd of fun seekers on the far bank and one of
them says “Dive in! Don’t worry; Everybody else has!” so with all my trust
in Megan’s cheerful face, I voluntarily dive into the great No.8!
83

Clark -

Having been warned by multiple winner Robbie Horrible Herreveld of the
undercut at No.8 (“if you go there, you’re fucked”, said Horrible succinctly),
Bruce became aware that the current was taking them right where Robbie
had told them not to be: “We went there. We were. A split second before
the boulder sticking out of the bank tried to rip my head off my shoulders
and deposit it in the back seat, I dived left out the boat. The swim that
ensued afterwards lasted thirty minutes. And not the thirty-minute swim
that was actually two minutes of swimming and twenty eight minutes of
overnight stop embellis hment.
“Partner Brian Big B Longley popped up, grabbed the boat, grabbed his
paddle, grabbed my paddle, swam the boat to the bank before it even got
to No.8, emptied it, stretched his back, shook his fur, had some juice, and
started tapping his foot.
“As No.8 got closer I was not even an inch closer to the bank. There’s that
point-of-no-return at the top of a big rapid where, to quote Horrible: Well,
you know what he said. I took the biggest breath possible just before I hit the
hole at the bottom; Which was just as well because I was down there for a
few months. When I came up I was in a tiny undercut piece of cliff face that
was almost a cave. My head was out of the water but my legs were being
taken in and out of the cave like a pendulum by the surging water. I was
stuck. My arms were stretched up to their fullest, holding the cliff, and I was
using all my strength to prevent myself being taken under again. There was
no way I was letting go of the cliff because my courage, my strength and my
swimming ability had all deserted me at the same time.
“So I climbed up. It took forever but eventually I got to the top. I probably

UMKO 50 Years