365ink #409 May 26–June 8, 2022 - Page 39

Columnists see you in a new light . Ugh , seriously ? Enough with the photo filters , already .
ARIES
( APR 19 – MAY 13 )
Mars is balancing its checking account , so watch out for people you ’ ve just met . You ’ ve actually met them before in a previous life , and they were just as annoying now as they were then .
TAURUS
( MAY 14 – JUNE 19 )
Venus is giggling at a particular word it rhymes with , so you might want to reconsider purchasing real estate . Because no place will ever be safe for you .
GEMINI
( JUNE 20 – JULY 20 )
Seeking advice from an older generation could be a good source of wisdom . But judging by the state they ’ ve left the world in , probably not .
CANCER
( JULY 21 – AUG 9 )
Saturn thinks it ’ s so friggin ’ great right now . So think your decisions through , but trust your instincts . You might ask , “ What ’ s the point of using my head if I ’ m just going to ignore it ?” Good question . Your head is going to need the practice for when Saturn stops being such a d-bag .
LEO
( AUG 10 – SEP 15 )
The moon is so over you . I don ’ t mean the moon no longer wants anything to do with you . I mean the moon is physically over you in the night sky . Since it ’ s over all of us , you may be wondering how this makes you special . It doesn ’ t . Because you ’ re not .
VIRGO
( SEP 16 – OCT 30 )
Don ’ t don ’ t do anything you might regret for the rest of your life . Wait . Sorry . That wording was misleading . What I mean to say is : For the rest of your life , don ’ t do anything you might regret .
LIBRA
( OCT 31 – NOV 22 )
Now is not a good time to make a rash decision . But really … getting a rash is NEVER a good decision .
SCORPIO
( NOV 23 – NOV 29 ) Jupiter just subscribed to Us
Weekly which means people will start to
OPHIUCHUS
( NOV 30 – DEC 17 )
You ’ re allowed to make a bad decision from time to time . After all , you are a person . A human being . This humanity will be called into question , however , with many , many tragically bad decisions you consistently make all the time .
SAGITTARIUS
( DEC 18 – JAN 8 )
Your next big step might be two steps back , and that ’ s okay . If taking two steps back made it possible for the world to accept the interspecies relationship of Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat , just imagine what it could do for you .
CAPRICORN
( JAN 9 – FEB 15 )
It might feel like people are talking about you this week . Rest assured that not one single person will say one single word about you . Not a peep . Trust me , your name won ’ t even come up . Not even as “ Wutstheirname .” You ’ ll be so far from anybody ’ s mind anywhere that it ’ ll be like you don ’ t even exist . So no need to be paranoid .
AQUARIUS
( FEB 16 – MAR 11 )
Neptune is splitting its hostas this week , so why not help out a friend in need ? This is the one week where they won ’ t catch feelings if you throw a little nookie their way .
PISCES
( MAR 12 – APR 18 )
Uranus is doing its own research , so now is the time to be more compassionate to those less fortunate than you . Or at least it would be if there WERE people less fortunate than you . In practice , this week is going to be a bunch of people with the same zodiac sign just heaping compassion on you . How could that possibly work if this horoscope applies to them as well ? I don ’ t know . But it does .
DANNY FAIRCHILD DANNY FAIRCHILD IS THE ONLY THING STANDING BETWEEN US AND THE CELESTIAL BODIES THAT WOULD DESTROY US ALL . KIND OF LIKE THE MOVIE ARMAGEDDON . YOU CAN THANK HIM BY EMAILING HIM AT DANNY @ DUBUQUE365 . COM .
DUBUQUE365 . COM Issue # 409 May 26 – June 8 , 2022 365INK MAGAZINE 39