365ink #397 December 9–December 22, 2021 - Page 39

Columnists
ARIES
( APR 19 – MAY 13 )
The only reason you order all this stuff online is so you have something to look forward to . You should probably keep doing that because … wow , there ’ s just nothing good coming your way otherwise .
TAURUS
( MAY 14 – JUNE 19 )
Leaving fallen leaves on the ground may be the environmentally sound thing to do , but your neighbors have been talking . You ’ re going to want to watch your back .
GEMINI
( JUNE 20 – JULY 20 )
No matter what ANY President of the United States of America says , peaches don ’ t grow wild in this country . So if you move to the country , either buy a peach orchard or bring a lot of peaches with you . Peach farmers don ’ t bother with warning shots .
CANCER
( JULY 21 – AUG 9 )
You will learn that watching a lot of romantic comedies does not make you an expert on love . Just like watching Breaking Bad does not make you an expert on meth . Ironically , it ’ ll be your love of meth that will make you an expert on love . And meth .
LEO
( AUG 10 – SEP 15 )
You will get caught up in the latest version of the cinnamon challenge . It ’ s basically just a cinnamon enema . It ’ s called cinema .
VIRGO
( SEP 16 – OCT 30 )
Never meet your heroes . Because all your heroes are dead and that would be really sad for the rest of us .
LIBRA
( OCT 31 – NOV 22 ) You will alienate everyone you love . As an alien it ’ s just kind of what you do , y ’ know ? Aliens gonna alienate , amirite ?
SCORPIO
( NOV 23 – NOV 29 )
You need to get up to date on current affairs . The last affair you kept up on was that whole Clinton thing , and that was ages ago .
OPHIUCHUS
( NOV 30 – DEC 17 ) You will put the
“ overt ” in “ poverty ”.
SAGITTARIUS
( DEC 18 – JAN 8 )
Naming your next pet “ Peeve ” so that you literally have a pet Peeve is not clever . People will hate you for it even more than they already do .
CAPRICORN
( JAN 9 – FEB 15 )
You will realize that since blindness has a scientific explanation , which means every single person with a visual impairment has been blinded with science . So Thomas Dolby isn ’ t the innovator we all think he is . And neither are you .
AQUARIUS
( FEB 16 – MAR 11 )
The argument over where to order food will turn violent . But at least the resulting carnage will provide a good store of food for the survivors .
PISCES
( MAR 12 – APR 18 )
You are never going to finish that book you started writing . And the world will be better for it , so thank you .
DANNY FAIRCHILD DANNY FAIRCHILD IS THE ONLY THING STANDING BETWEEN US AND THE CELESTIAL BODIES THAT WOULD DESTROY US ALL . KIND OF LIKE THE MOVIE ARMAGEDDON . YOU CAN THANK HIM BY EMAILING HIM AT DANNY @ DUBUQUE365 . COM .
DUBUQUE365 . COM Issue # 397 December 9 – December 22 , 2021 365INK MAGAZINE 39