365ink #396 November 24–December 8, 2021 - Page 39

Columnists
ARIES
( APR 19 – MAY 13 )
There ’ s seriously too many cool things to binge right now , so holiday family time is just going to have to wait until Easter . Hopefully Grandma will still be around by then .
TAURUS
( MAY 14 – JUNE 19 )
You will continue to be amazed at the lengths people will go to defend their right to be part of the problem .
GEMINI
( JUNE 20 – JULY 20 )
Ronald McDonald has been phased out as mascot , but Ronald McDonald House still stands . So the fights against clowns and against childhood illness are far from over .
CANCER
( JULY 21 – AUG 9 )
Home is where the heart is . But not in a Full House kind of way . In an Edgar Allen Poe kind of way . Seriously … check under your floorboards .
LEO
( AUG 10 – SEP 15 )
You will survive the holidays , but only because Dr . Sam Beckett , theorizing that one could travel within his own lifetime , stepped into the quantum leap accelerator and vanished . R . I . P . Dean Stockwell .
VIRGO
( SEP 16 – OCT 30 )
If you want to break the cycle , you must first decide that you don ’ t want to go down the road this cycle keeps taking you . Then like … pop the tires or something .
LIBRA
( OCT 31 – NOV 22 )
The greatest thing you can do for humanity this holiday season is let us all know when and where you see those whack-and-eat chocolate oranges on sale .
SCORPIO
( NOV 23 – NOV 29 ) If you want me to tell you how your kids will turn out , just remember that any prophecy involving children has never ever gone smoothly for the child .
OPHIUCHUS
( NOV 30 – DEC 17 )
The dissolution of gender norms will be a good thing . I mean , honestly , almost all of us could benefit from a little bit of eyebrow pencil at the very least .
SAGITTARIUS
( DEC 18 – JAN 8 )
Not only is mooning someone extremely childish , but considering how little time you spend on butt hygiene , it ’ ll be a reeeeeally bad look .
CAPRICORN
( JAN 9 – FEB 15 )
Try as you might , you will keep falling for the fake Blue Lobster seafood restaurant ads on the sides of the Jule buses . But considering what else is in your search history , this is the least of your problems .
AQUARIUS
( FEB 16 – MAR 11 )
Your mind will be blown when you discover that the band Toto got their name because it was formed by former members of the band Kansas , so the name “ Toto ” is a play on “ We ’ re not in Kansas anymore .” Now … that story is NOT AT ALL TRUE , but your mind is STILL blown because “ Toto ” doesn ’ t seem like such a crappy band name anymore .
PISCES
( MAR 12 – APR 18 )
Uh , oh . I think you ’ ve overslept , and it ’ s time to wake up . Hey ! Hey you ! This is just a dream so WAKE UP ! WAKE ! UP ! Oh God … you ’ re stuck here .
DANNY FAIRCHILD DANNY FAIRCHILD IS THE ONLY THING STANDING BETWEEN US AND THE CELESTIAL BODIES THAT WOULD DESTROY US ALL . KIND OF LIKE THE MOVIE ARMAGEDDON . YOU CAN THANK HIM BY EMAILING HIM AT DANNY @ DUBUQUE365 . COM .
DUBUQUE365 . COM Issue # 396 November 24 – December 8 , 2021 365INK MAGAZINE 39