2016 Bending Reality Magazine November 2016 | Page 55

ASSERTIVE REQUEST

Remember that you have the Right to make requests of other people and other people have that right of you also. Many have problems doing this for many reasons as stated below here that is caused by the way they THINK:

1.This person won't like me very much if I have to ask them for anything - the result is that we don't ask.

Everyone has to ask for help sometimes. If you never ask for help, people may think that you don't care or that they shouldn't ask you for help because you don't ask them.

2.It's obvious that I need help and they should offer without me asking, therefore they don't love me.

People are not mind readers and perhaps it's not that obvious and love is not based on whether a person helps without asking.

3.I have to prove that I can take care of myself.

No-one is ever totally able to get through life without needing help. If you don't ask for help and don't like it when others offer help, you often end up being left alone. Also when you find out that you can't do it alone you may get angry and fight to keep others away. You may start resenting others because you may think that they are trying to make you look bad.

4.If I ask a favor of someone, I am imposing upon them.

You have to ask yourself if there is any evidence of this. Do you feel that a friend asking you for a favor is imposing on you? You are only imposing if: You have trapped the other person so that they can't say NO, or you won't allow them to say NO.

5.If I ask a favor, the other person won't be able to say NO.

This is only true if you won't let them. They have the right to say NO and it is up to them to do so. It is their responsibility to be assertive.

6.If I ask a favor of someone, then I would have to repay it even if I don't want to.

You have every right to say NO if the other person is imposing or if it is too difficult for you to agree. If you ask someone for a favor, they are free to refuse and there is no obligation on your part to make it even, unless that is the agreement between you before you accept the favor.

A favor is a favor. It is granted freely. Any obligations you feel is self-imposed. If you feel obligated, it may come from your own feelings of not being worthy.

The result of not asking is that you don't get the help /favor /wish that you need and you may end up feeling resentful and angry.

3 BASIC STEPS ON HOW TO MAKE UP A GOOD REQUEST

Asserting your rights is asking someone to pay attention to your feelings or your rights. It does not mean that your request will be granted, assertion is not a miracle but generally there is a better feeling or relationships created.

1.State the problem - This is a statement that describes the situation that is not satisfactory or a situation that needs to be changed. It is very important to be very clear and very specific about the situation. e.g. NOT “The bedroom is very untidy." BUT “In the bedroom, all the bedclothes are in a mess on the floor and your clothes are not hung up."

2.Make the request - This is the asking part. You state what you would like the other person to do to solve the problem. Again it is very important to be very specific, e.g. NOT “Tidy it up!" BUT “I would like you to make the bed and hang up your clothes."

3.Explanation - This is the statement that provides an explanation of why you are asking. It may give more information in order to clear up the reason for you asking or some recognition that you appreciate the other person's help, e.g. NOT “...because I want it done." BUT “...that way we can see which clothes are dirty and you will have room to move in the bedroom and I won't trip up.

(Be sure to come back to Bending Reality Magazine (bendingrealitymag.com) for my next topics about COPING SKILLS and PROBLEM SOLVING).

ASSERTIVENESS (Techniques and Ways - Part 3)

By r0lly