HOW TO COOK SALMON a la Edgar Allan Poe
“And the fish that is in the river shall die, and the river shall stink”
Exodus 7:18
Oh hello there! Are you here to question me too? Like the
other men visited? Then I will speak no further! But if
you ask why they’ve put me into this white fluffy room, I
will gladly tell you my story! My glorious, well devised plan
should be told to everyone! My deed was holy and I carry no
shame for doing it. The deed —you ask? Oh the deed— yes!
I forgot to tell you the deed. I did nothing evil. I only cooked
dinner for my master. I cooked him the very fish which had
been carrying the devil inside it. The creature caused more
evil in the mansion than anything before. I knew that it was a
production of witchcraft. I had to slay the monster! Wouldn’t
you do it? For the sake of humanity?
It all started a month ago when the master brought the
salmon to the steamy kitchen. At first I thought he wanted
me to cook it by bringing it fresh but I was wrong. What the
rich men do these days sicken me. What he wanted was to
introduce me his new pet. That gray scaled monster could be
anything but a pet. There was nothing special about it if you
ask me except that it had an angry face all the time. So I felt
neutral at the beginning. What rich men do or desire does
not concern me at all. Yet the consequences of their actions
do concern me. As the master placed his salmon to the small
pond located in the backyard, a series of bizarre coincidences started to happen.
Whenever I made a mistake, the fish mocked me with its bubbling laughs. As I accidentally dropped a glass, I
would hear the bubbling from the pond. How could an animal mock me as if I was inferior to it? It was when
I slipped in the kitchen and fell down that I lost my temper. The devil was mocking me again. It was a crime to
God after some point. The devil can not make fun of the creations of God! Could it? My temper immediately
led me to the garden. I bare handedly grabbed the fat salmon and smashed it on the kitchen table. It still had
that angry look as if it had wanted me to release my anger and kill it. So did I. I chopped its head as I dropped
the machete. It was dead, yet I was still not calm. The devil must be served I said to myself. I won’t be satisfied
unless I see its humiliation. So I inserted another knife on its belly and slowly opened it up. I was careful enough
to not cut its intestines. When I reached the point where its head used to be located at, I spreaded the fish and
opened it up. With just one pull I took out all the entrails. The only thing left inside it was its backbone and
when I pulled it forcefully, I heard a pop sound which relieved me enormously. It was now a two piece boneless
flesh. The head on the other side of the table was looking directly at me. I put it that way so he could watch
his body getting torn apart. He had no power over me now. When the devil was clean enough to be cooked, I
placed it on a pan with an oily foil so that it wouldn’t stick to the pan. Then I put small cubes of butter all over
the flesh and a handful of pepper and salt. The fish was seasoned and ready to be put into the oven. As I was
about to put it into the burning oven, I giggled because I was putting the devil into my own hell. “Quite ironic,
isn’t it?” I said to the head on the kitchen table. I watched every second of its burning. I wasn’t only torturing
it, I was making fun of it by cooking it in a precious way. It deserved to be mocked after all that mockery of me.
When I heard the dinner bell of my master, it was my time to glorify God and rise in the eyes of my master. I
knew he would be so happy to see the devil dead. He was waiting for me in the garden next to the pond where
I set a table for him. While I was placing the dish in front of him, he asked “My dear steward, have you seen
my precious Leviathan?”. I replied “The fish you mean?”. “Yes, I can’t seem to find it.” He argued. “It is right in
front of you master. Maybe you couldn’t recognise it without its head?”. Master stood there doing nothing for
a minute. I thought that he was shocked due to the happiness but in fact he was actually having a stroke. He
never moved since that day and when I realized that he was death, I screamed and yelled as much as I could.
I did not scream for help but I screamed because of meaningless death of my master. While I was screaming
I heard a noise from the kitchen. At first I thought it was the police but it was worse. It was the sound of a
bubbling laugh! The devil mocked me again for murdering my master...
ENGLISH
DEPARTMENT
Ertuğrul AKTAŞ 11-B
THE CLAPPER 2016 - 2017 27