caregiving
and attended doctors ’ appointments .
The practical challenges were accompanied by profound personal loss , as her mother ’ svibrant character faded with dementia . Ruth found emotional and spiritual support from family and friends .“ It ’ sbeen extraordinarily difficult ,” she said last summer , acknowledging how fortunate she was that the family ’ sresources enabled her mother to get good care .
In September , the care manager alerted Ruth that her mother ’ sdays were growing short . It was time to come . Ruth stayed at an apartment on the Christian Health campus , and was with her mother when she died .
MAKING THE TRANSITION When her mother Dorothy ’ s needs grew , Ruth Meyers arranged for her to move to the skilled nursing facility at Christian Health in Wyckoff .
‘ REGRET , REMORSE AND INSUFFICIENCY ’
Long-distance and local caregivers have alot in common . They must recognize and assess the changing needs of their loved ones , find and vet the aides and medical professionals who provide care , and insome cases choose alongterm care facility . Some find themselves responsible for the varying needs of two elderly loved ones . They must manage transitions and figure out how to pay for care , in some cases handling the sale of their parents ’ home .
But long-distance caregivers do this from afar . Their parents may beunreliable informants about their condition , due to cognitive impairment , poor memory or an intentional desire “ not to worry ” their children . The adult children may not be familiar with the agencies or institutions that provide help to the aging in the communities where their parents reside . They may not know people there toask about the reputation of ahome-care agency ornursing home . And they are seldom able to accompany their parents to medical appointments or meet caregivers in person .
Their visits , which should be treasured times , can instead be fraught — they must assess how their parents ’ situation has changed , explore options and make decisions , while also attempting to reconnect in aloving way with enjoyable activities . Even if they stay indaily contact , “ There ’ salot of guilt about not physically being there ,” says Courtney Roman , senior program officer at the Center for Health Care Strategies in Hamilton Township . Remote caregivers suffer “ intense feelings of regret , remorse and insufficiency ” and are more likely to feel emotional stress and guilt that they are falling short of their responsibilities , some studies have found .
In families with more than one adult child , the siblings must work out — deliberately or on the fly — new roles and responsibilities . Aparent or adult child who is nearby almost always becomes the primary caregiver , and those farther off pitch in as their own skills , time and personal situations permit . But even in highly functional families , balancing these new roles causes stress — and many families struggle . It ’ salso more expensive : Longdistance caregivers spend nearly twice as much on help that they can ’ t provide themselves , the AARP study found . They face travel costs to get to their parents . They take time off from work , possibly unpaid . Hours on the phone or computer eat into their work and personal time .
LIVING 2,700 MILES AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENTS
Iknow this is true , because Idothis myself .
I ’ ve lived 2,700 miles and three time zones from my parents for more than 40 years . The distance hardly mattered when Iwas in my 20s . But now the
11-hour journey , door-to-door , toget from New Jersey to the house ineastern Washington state where my93-year-old father lives alone after my mother ’ s death last year , isnot easy .
I ’ m luckier than Ruth Meyers was . Ihave ayounger brother who lives 20 minutes from my father . Hedrives my dad to doctor ’ sappointments , pays the bills , does the shopping and maintains the house — including , most recently , hiring someone to trap askunk that took up smelly residence under the back deck . ( My dad has lost his sense of smell .)
Ilook into medical questions that arise , such as whether to continue my dad ’ sblood thinners , using some of my research skills as ahealth care reporter . I ’ ve compiled notes about home-care agencies and care managers , though I haven ’ t gotten further than phone calls . And Ivisit every couple of months , in part to provide arespite so that my brother and his wife get some time away .
When I ’ m there , Itake mydad to doctor ’ sappointments . But Ialso try to do entertaining , non-caregiving activities , such as taking him for adrive and out to eat . And Itry to be supportive through calls . Those conversations with my father have become shorter ashe has become harder of hearing .
It ’ shard .
AMY NEWMAN
18 2023 EDITION ( 201 ) HEALTH