caregiving
When Aging Parents Live Far Away
Caring remotely is a challenge , but there are options WRITTEN BY LINDY WASHBURN
As Dorothy Meyers entered her ninth decade , she grew increasingly frustrated by her inability to remember certain words and names . She ’ d taught high school Latin and switched careers in middle age to become anurse . She was adevoted churchwoman who had raised five children and several foster children . But now , she realized , she was slipping . Meyers was not surprised when the neurologist to whom she took her concerns diagnosed early cognitive decline .
Awidow who lived alone in Glen Rock , she did her best to prepare for the future . She put her name onthe waiting list for an assisted-living apartment at Christian Health in Wyckoff . She gathered her records in abox and went to see afinancial planner . She met with an attorney to designate amedical proxy and power of attorney .
And she told Ruth , her daughter , that she wanted her to manage her affairs . “ She chose me , and that was that ,” Ruth Meyers says .“ We never discussed itfurther .”
There was only one problem : Ruth lived in Northern California , 2,900 miles away .
Thus began Ruth ’ s education in longdistance caregiving for the elderly — achallenge faced by an estimated 10 % to 15 % ofcaregivers . Ofthe 34 million Americans who provide care to an older family member , more than 5 million live more than an hour ’ sdrive away , according to a2020 survey by the National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP . Many , like Ruth , tend tofamily
FAR FROM HOME LOVE An adult child may insist upon moving aparent closer to their own home , but without friends or acquaintances nearby , the parent becomes totally dependent on the adult child for social contact .
members hundreds or even thousands of miles away .
“ No one teaches someone how to be acaregiver ,” says Robyn Kohn , director of programs and services for the Alzheimer ’ s Association Greater New Jersey chapter .
Ruth Meyers had to learn onher own how to navigate from afar the obstacles tomanaging her mother ’ s medical , financial and legal affairs . And she had to do so during years complicated by pandemic restrictions and remote work arrangements — even at such essential agencies as Social Security . She heard — rather than saw — Dorothy ’ sdecline through their phone conversations , which devolved from detailed accounts of activities and acquaintances to brief exchanges . Her mother once announced that she didn ’ t want to talk to Ruth — and hung up .
Ruth traveled cross-country to North Jersey to see her mother as restrictions on visitors were lifted and her responsibilities at work and home permitted . When her mother ’ sneeds grew , she arranged the transition to Christian Health ’ sskilled nursing facility . Eventually , she contracted with ageriatric care manager who visited Dorothy weekly , monitored her needs
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16 2023 EDITION ( 201 ) HEALTH