“Adults and young users alike get sucked in,” says
Aftab. “There are lightening deals on Amazon,
recipes, the Facebook marketplace...We’re all the
problem, not just our kids.”
When families spend time together without their
phones, it helps build bonds among them, says Dr.
Karimi Mailutha, a child and adolescent psychiatrist
at Atlantic Health System’s Morristown Medical
Center. “With time and practice, these moments can
start to occur spontaneously, and both children and
parents ideally walk away feeling emotionally close
and loved,” she says.
It’s not unprecedented for technology to make
social engagement a challenge; Aftab likens holding
devices that ping and light up with alerts to having
a TV on in the background, drawing attention
away from family conversations. But because
phones and iPads go everywhere we do, avoiding
their disruptions, even for a short time, takes more
purposeful effort.
With complicated schedules, it’s less common
than it used to be for families to have dinners
together. But experts agree that there needs to be a
regular time when kids and parents can expect to
share uninterrupted time. With some planning, they
say, families can sideline their virtual worlds, and
enjoy hanging out IRL. Here are some ways to
accomplish that.
ENLIST EVERYONE’S HELP
It’s never too early to establish routines that
guarantee device-free time, but it’s never too late,
either, says Dr. Mailutha. “What are the rules going
to be? Is it going to be an hour or two hours, on a
weeknight or a Saturday morning?” Be mindful of
everyone’s weekly schedules, she says; Sunday
brunch may be less stressful than dinner before
the big game.
Parents who are concerned about push-back at the
idea of giving up devices, even for a limited time,
should remember that boundaries are comforting,
she says. Modeling the desired behavior is important,
too. “When I was growing up in the ‘60s, we had a
family conversation and agreed that there would be
no phone after 9 p.m.,” says Mark Williams, a
retired nurse in North Plainfield. “This is all about
a behavior you want your loved ones to emulate.”
CHOOSE A COMMON AREA
TO GET TOGETHER
Kitchens and family rooms are natural places for
gathering, and it’s reasonable to expect devices to be
parked away from them. Lauren Hersh, a Franklin
Lakes attorney who speaks to school and community
groups about internet safety, says that she likes to
create “sacred spaces” in her home where device use
is prohibited.
“For me, it’s the kitchen table,” says Hersh, a
mother of two, ages 11 and 8. “Dinnertime in my
family is important for conversation, and devices
on the table are distracting for everybody. When
a message pops up, anyone would be inclined
to look down and read it, and that sends a
problematic message to the people at the table,
which is that the message is more important
than they are.”
When they take their togetherness on the road,
she says, whether it’s to ski, hike or visit a park,
the family talks first about how the experience
will be device-free. “The purpose is to connect
with each other,” she says.
MAKE IT FUN FOR
EVERYONE
If competing schedules make gatherings at
home a challenge, family members can list their
favorite activities, indoors and out, and take turns
doing them, suggests Dr. Anne Farrar-Anton, a
pediatric neuropsychologist at Hackensack
Meridian Health.
As long as everyone reserves the same time to
be together, outings can rotate between a sister’s
favorite archery range, a brother’s choice of bowl-
ing alley and a mom’s art museum. On Friday
takeout night, siblings can take turns ordering
their favorite foods; on game night, they can alter-
nate choices of board and card games. “When we
all play on our own devices, we only play the
games we like,” she says. “This way, they get to
choose and be part of the decision-making pro-
cess, but they also learn to tolerate others’ needs.”
Activities that require focus and create some-
thing of value are often the most memorable.
Franklin Lakes resident Mical Levison says that
she’s always included her daughters, now 10 and
7, in her food preparation. “We shop at the gro-
cery store, go to farmers’ markets, visit farms and
grow our own vegetables,” she says.
“I ask the girls to pick out something they want
to try or something for us to cook together. We
cook together at least two or three times a week,
barring unforeseen circumstances. We try to make
one day a week where the kids drive the menu
and take the lead in preparation.” It’s easy to keep
devices turned off, she says, when using a knife
or cooking over an open flame.
“After school, when I ask my children ‘How
was your day?’ I get ‘Fine,’” she says. “But when
they’re focused on something else like chopping
vegetables or beating eggs, I find that they start
talking about their lives; I talk about how I did
something with my mom or dad or grandma
when I was a kid. Food is a great prompt, and
opens up new ways to connect.” ❖
“WHEN
FAMILIES
SPEND TIME
TOGETHER
WITHOUT
THEIR
PHONES, IT
HELPS BUILD
BONDS
AMONG
THEM.”
DR. KARIMI
MAILUTHA
CHILD AND
ADOLESCENT
PSYCHIATRIST,
MORRISTOWN
MEDICAL CENTER
(201) HEALTH 2019 EDITION
13