A. Scream back:“ Oh yeah? Well, Idon’ t like you verymuch rightnow either!” B. Play the guilt card:“ You shouldbe ashamed of yourself! After all I’ ve done for you?”

C. Take adeep breath and offer reassurance:“ I’ m sorry to hear that, because Ilove you very much, even when you’ re angry at me.”

It’ seasy to figure out which answer is correct, but the right choice is frequently the hardest one to make.

Your child’ s lid is flipped, which means yours is too— orpretty darned close— and your feelings are hurt, too. Why are our kids so meansometimes? Probably because they’ re mad and they’ ve slipped into the Mistaken Goal of revenge.

Mistaken Goals, as described by psychologists Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, are indications of achild’ s discouragement. When kids don’ t feel asense of connection and worth, they( unconsciously) try to achieve it with behaviors that, ironically, cause more disconnection.

Revenge doesn’ t always come out in mean words. Sometimes, it takesthe form of the silent treatment, refusing to do what you ask, and isolating themselves in their rooms( especially if they’ re in the teen years).

Andthose behaviors could also be indications of the three other mistaken goals: attention, power and giving up.

STOP AND CHECK YOUR OWN FEELINGS Your own feelings can help you figureout whichofthe mistaken goalsyour child is showing.

If words like hurt, disappointed, disbelieving or disgusted come to mind, it’ slikely that the thought behind your child’ s behavior is,“ I don’ t feel liked / loved. You hurt my feelingssoI’ ll hurt yours, too.”

Now, it’ s easy for parentstothink,“ I didn’ t do anything exceptenforce expectations. Thereisnoreason for my kid to be mad at me.” Well, that may be the rationaltruth, but feelings aren’ t rational.

If we allowthis kind of thinking to guide us, we are likely to fall into the trap of responding in ways that perpetuate our child’ snegative behavior. Instead, we need to step back and look at the big picture. Achild who is overreacting, saying mean things or acting out is not using the skills of emotionalregulation and empathy. Their reaction to angerisill-suited to adulthood because they need to learn to have an emotional reaction without hurtingothers.

That means we needtoteach those skills. One of the bestwaystoteach is to modelwhat we want from our child, so we need to demonstrate emotional regulation, empathy, and, most importantly, how to experiencestrong emotion without lashingout. Which is why choice C starts with,“ Take adeep breath.”

Positive Discipline authors Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott recommend a

numberofstrategies for helping achild through arevenge moment:

1. Avoid punishmentand retaliation: Make sure you’ re calm before following the next steps.

2. Ask the child what happened:“ Your behavior tells me you must feel hurt. Can we talk aboutthat?”

3. Use reflectivelistening: Acknowledge the feeling, apologize if appropriate, and then use problemsolving questions to resolve the issue.

4. Show you care: Give ahug … or ask for one … and say,“ I’ m on your side. How can we work through this together so we bothget what we need?”

LOOK TO THE BELIEF BEHIND THE BEHAVIOR

When we look beyond the behavior to the belief behindit, we get insight into our child’ s perspective and that gives us insight into who we’ re being as parents.

Just about everytime I’ m in asituation where my initialresponseis,“ I’ m doingmyjob and I’ m doing it right,” I try to have areflective conversation with my child. It usually leads to the realization thatmywords or actions are landing in ways Ididn’ t intend. Making just afew changesyields positiveresults.

When I set aside my own hurt and act with kindness, firmness, and compassion, Ihelp my child take another step down thepath toward adulthood. ●

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