12-25-Tudors-DIGITAL | Page 9

If you thought the Tudor times were all banquets, jousting and parading around in ruffs, think again! OK, there was quite a bit of that, but for most, life was often short and sharp. Sometimes, if you were really unlucky, it ended with a disgusting, crunchy squelch and the removal of several important body parts. So, hereth lieth your challengeth:
Match up these unlucky Tudor peeps with their ends. At the end, we’ ll see how much of a real Tudor Death Detective you are.

A Lady Jane Grey( 1554): Only 15 when schemers pushed her onto the throne. She didn’ t even want to be queen. Roughly nine days later, Mary Tudor booted her off it. Talk about a short shift.

C Francis Dereham( 1541): A Norfolk gent and one-time boyfriend of Catherine Howard( the future queen). Problem: Henry found out about him after they married, so … ex + gossip + paranoid king = long, drawn-out disaster.

B Archbishop Thomas Cranmer( 1556): The big Church brain who helped Henry ditch the Pope. Clever and powerful, but when the crown passed to Bloody Mary( Mary Tudor!), his luck ran out.

D Catherine Howard( 1542): Henry’ s fifth wife. She brought fun and fizz to court, but rumours from her past spread fast. When you’ re married to an axe-happy king, whispers can be a right pain in the neck!

THe( yuCkY) DEaThS

1 Dead and alive At just 28 years old, this person was given one of the most brutal executions EVER … one reserved for traitors: hung, drawn and quartered. It was long, painful and humiliating – their head was displayed on London Bridge as a stark warning to others.
2 Bring home the bacon? No crown, no throne, this person was in their kitchen when a rack of heavy bacon came crashing down on them from where it was being smoked in the chimney. Crushed beneath the pork, they died days later.
3 Practice makes perfect Still in their teens, this person faced the chop in the Tower. In an attempt to die with some dignity, they practised how to lay their head on the block before they left their room. Now that’ s dead-ic-ation!
4 Food fight Bloated from feasting( too many pies) + pus-filled leg ulcers from a jousting accident = stinky collapse.
5 Tea for one Bravely faced the block: no tea, no cake, no happy ending. Talk about a trial period that didn’ t come with a refund.
Words: Rick Adams. Illustration: Ed J. Brown, Federico Pazos and Kevin Ward

E Henry VIII( 1547): The man behind the mayhem. Once a handsome prince who jousted and wrote songs, he grew into a bad-tempered tyrant king with sore legs and a short fuse.

F Elizabeth Browne( 1543): Not a queen, not a courtier, just a servant in London. She makes the list for one reason only: her famously weird end. Even your own house wasn’ t safe in the Tudor times.
6 Hot hot hot! Dragged to Oxford and burnt at the stake. Surrounded by flames, it is said that this person popped their hand into the fire to punish themselves even more. Really? Talk about making it worse for yourself.
9