Thomas Wyatt

Richard Rich

Mary Howard

Anne Boleyn

Thomas Cranmer

Thomas Cromwell

Mary Boleyn

Tudor banquets were famously a

bit on the heavy side, so it goes

without saying that all that rich

food left one experiencing … well,

a bit of wind. Flatulence is perfectly

normal and healthy – we all know

that – but perhaps not in front of

the king? He looks very red and

angry, and now he wants to know

who dealt what he hath smelt?

Can you work it out?

Clues:

– The Tudor tooter is not

wearing anything red.

– The Tudor tooter is not

playing dice.

– The Tudor tooter has only

three vowels in their name.

– The Tudor tooter is

not hanging out with a

greyhound.

– The Tudor tooter is not King

Henry VIII or the greyhound.

Words: Freya Hardy and Jonathan Pavey. Illustration: Ed J. Brown, Cydney Cherepak and Kaley McKean

AGE 3 – Try your first meat pie. Oops – not only was it badger, but it was off! Spend the next go in the privy. Miss a go.	AGE 4	AGE 5 – Your barber-surgeon decides your cough needs a‘ good bleeding’. He stops because you faint into the bucket before he starts. Roll again.	AGE 6	AGE 7 – The Thames overflows with sewage – you fall in and get poorly – even fish can’ t survive in that stuff. Miss a turn.
AGE 12 – You join a Tudor expedition to the New World as a cabin hand. Attacked by pirates. Go back to the start.	AGE 11	AGE 10 – Local officials find your mouldy loaf offensive and put you in the stocks with smelly fish under you. Throw a 6 to move on.	AGE 9 – Discover a mouldy loaf shaped like Henry VIII’ s head. Everyone laughs. Roll again.	AGE 8

AGE 22 – Accused of being a witch because you sneezed when saying the Lord’ s prayer. Uh-oh. Roll 1 – 4 to be found innocent, 5 or 6 to be burned to death – start again.

AGE 23 – You try your hand at art and paint a portrait of Queen Elizabeth I. Roll 1 – 3 = she likes it – roll again and move on. Roll 4 – 6 = it’ s too accurate and she hates it – off with your head and back to the start.

AGE 24 – An apothecary( chemist) gives you a‘ healing’ syrup made of honey, vinegar and crushed worms. Miss a turn while you puke.

AGE 25

Hooray! You’ ve survived! Eat a giant roast goose, wipe your greasy hands on your doublet and celebrate.

12-25-Tudors-DIGITAL | Page 11

AGE 3 – Try your first meat pie. Oops – not only was it badger, but it was off! Spend the next go in the privy. Miss a go.

AGE 4

AGE 5 – Your barber-surgeon decides your cough needs a‘ good bleeding’. He stops because you faint into the bucket before he starts. Roll again.

AGE 6

AGE 7 – The Thames overflows with sewage – you fall in and get poorly – even fish can’ t survive in that stuff. Miss a turn.

AGE 12 – You join a Tudor expedition to the New World as a cabin hand. Attacked by pirates. Go back to the start.

AGE 11

AGE 10 – Local officials find your mouldy loaf offensive and put you in the stocks with smelly fish under you. Throw a 6 to move on.

AGE 9 – Discover a mouldy loaf shaped like Henry VIII’ s head. Everyone laughs. Roll again.

AGE 8

AGE 22 – Accused of being a witch because you sneezed when saying the Lord’ s prayer. Uh-oh. Roll 1 – 4 to be found innocent, 5 or 6 to be burned to death – start again.

AGE 23 – You try your hand at art and paint a portrait of Queen Elizabeth I. Roll 1 – 3 = she likes it – roll again and move on. Roll 4 – 6 = it’ s too accurate and she hates it – off with your head and back to the start.

AGE 24 – An apothecary( chemist) gives you a‘ healing’ syrup made of honey, vinegar and crushed worms. Miss a turn while you puke.

AGE 25