‘ Do make sure you stay neat and tidy , my little princess ,’ said Penelope ’ s mother as she dropped her off . ‘ And avoid touching the animals under ANY circumstances .’ Ever since her mother had researched the family tree and discovered her second cousin twice removed was the brother-in-law of the Duke of Dimsburg , she was convinced that Penelope was some kind of royalty .
Penelope was inclined to agree . With her perfectly coiffed hair , designer dresses , and snooty demeanour , she was the epitome of spoiled elegance . Penelope ’ s mother would only allow her to wear the finest silk dresses from Paris , no matter how impractical they were . And they were especially impractical here , at the Funtastically Filthy Farmyard .
‘ Come and join in , Penelope , it ’ s the best !’ shouted Delilah Da Costa , as she made ‘ mud pies ’ in the outdoor kitchen . ‘ I don ’ t think so ,’ replied Penelope as she adjusted her lace gloves with a look of mild disgust , ‘ the Princess of Dimsbury Primary School doesn ’ t get her hands dirty .’
Her mother would recite the rules of royal etiquette daily . ‘ Eat your apple with a knife and fork dear . Using your hands is unsightly .’ ‘ Princesses don ’ t smile in pictures – they radiate poise .’ ‘ Never use the word toilet darling , it ’ s jarring to the ear . It is called a lavatory or the necessary room .’ Even the teachers treated her like something special ; she was given the best servings at lunch , allowed to customise her uniform with ‘ sparkle ’ and got off PE if she didn ’ t feel like breaking a sweat .
Only Mr Drunt refused to play along . Mr Drunt was an ancient educator who creaked around the school ; there were rumours that he was over 100 years old . One day he shuffled into Princess Penelope ’ s class , carrying a dusty box which looked like it was filled at Dimsbury ’ s charity shop ‘ Musty Mike ’ s Market for Mangy Mutts ’. Penelope knew immediately that her planned mid-morning biscuit break in the teachers ’ coffee lounge was off . Mr Drunt looked so old as he heaved the box onto the desk that Penelope thought he could have been an historical relic himself .
‘ Ms . Chatterjee has been called away to teach kickboxing to a group of Kung Fu nuns ,’ Mr Drunt croaked , ‘ so I will be your substitute this week .’ The class groaned . Mr Drunt continued .
‘ I want you to pick an item from this
26