Dear Auntie Jess,
My friend set me up with this boy a year ago. We've been going steady ever since, but a couple of months ago he started to get really mad at me and hit me. I didn't think anything of it at the time though. But ever since, he's been hitting and shouting at me a lot. I know it's not right but it is kind of my fault because I provoke him. I really wish he would just verbally explain his feelings, but I can't ask because I don't want him to get angry again and hit me again. I don't know what to do because I want us to stay together. We are soul mates and supposed to be together, so I can't leave him because I love him, but it hurts me physically and emotionally. Please help me. Roisin
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Dear Roisin,
I am so sorry that you've been experiencing domestic violence. Like a lot of people in your situation, you may not have realised that that's what it is. It's horrible. It undermines your confidence and erodes personal boundaries, which makes it hard to see things clearly. It tears you apart because here's your beloved suddenly doing these awful things to you. And as you say, it hurts you physically and emotionally.
You don't make him hit you. Whatever you do or don't do, he's responsible for how he chooses to respond. He could sit and discuss things calmly. He could go for a walk to calm down and then discuss it. He could hit cushions to vent his aggression and then talk sensibly out about it. He could take responsibility for his own thoughts, feelings and actions.
Once domestic violence starts, it gets worse. Staying in the situation shows that abuse is acceptable. It's not. It's not acceptable for partners to abuse each other, whatever their gender or sexual orientation.
You may not feel ready to leave right now. Many survivors of domestic violence don't feel able to leave for all kinds of reasons. Commonly they hold all sorts of unhelpful beliefs such as: he is the only one for me and without him I'll never be loved; it's my fault - I made him hit me; he won't do it again, especially if I'm careful; he loves me and he didn't mean it; he's got problems so he needs me more than ever; I owe him my loyalty for the good times in the past; the path to true love never runs smooth so this is normal because all couples have arguments; leaving him would mean I'm a failure; I can't manage on my own ... the list goes on. None of them are true. But the bottom line is that emotional and physical abuse are wrong and unacceptable. You're not responsible for his actions. He is.
f he'll listen, you could tell him there's a support organisation for perpetrators of domestic violence who want to change. Their website is at www.respect.uk.net.
Whether or not he chooses to get help, I hope you'll seek help for yourself. Women's Aid (www.womensaid.org.uk) offer all kinds of services from advice, telephone or face-to-face counselling to refuges and support for talking to the police. They'll keep your confidences. No one at WA will push you into anything you're not ready for, but they will help you update your ideas and find the confidence to explore all your options. If you're at risk, you can ring the police on 999.
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t's worth knowing that there's good love and there's bad love. With good love you feel stable, secure, respected and valued. You know you're equally important and that your feelings matter. Don't doubt that you deserve good love. You do. You matter. I'm sure this guy loves you to the best of his ability, he just doesn't have the ability right now to offer good love.
I wish you safety and peace of mind, Roisin. I wish you good love from someone who's capable of giving it. Don't settle for imitations! Good luck.