Numb
By Raya F.
When I look in the mirror I see them
Long shadowy tendrils that wrap around my limbs
My torso
My neck
They pull at my flesh, stretching it out so it's unrecognizable
Cutting deep into my skin yet never leaving a mark
Sometimes I have to cut it myself just to know if there's still blood in my veins
I haven't seen myself in forever
Even my reflection is a stranger
A distorted shape of nothing at all that stares back at me
It moves when I move
Talks when I talk
Yet it shifts and changes and I think, "Is that really what I look like?"
And I don't know what I am anymore
The ache is numb and heavy
And I get angry that I can't feel anything else
And I slash across my wrists because maybe the pain will help me wake up
My mind is stuck in a coma while my body moves around
Aimlessly
No identity
No form
And the blood that seeps out from the gash still doesn't feel real
The sharp jolts travel up my arm and for a bit, I can feel again
But it fades
And once again I don't know myself
The shadows twist and distort and I cut and cut
I sometimes wonder if I should stop but the numbness is overwhelming and I can't
I need a distraction
My hands are sticky from sweat and my eyes won't shut
Aching arms and legs filled with lead
Sleep doesn't come and my head screams but I can't move because I might make more scars
Just hug the pillow tighter and try to forget
Dig my nails deep into my arm and slow my breathing
Relax
And wait for it all to disappear